I was walking around the city today after pumping the iron at Gold's Gym on 54th street, talking to myself like a crazy whack-a-do! I'd catch myself every now and then.... look around to see if anyone caught me... WHICH THEY ALWAYS DO.... then keep walking.... keeping my lips still.... as if the person who caught me is now going to think that they IMAGINED what they saw... It isn't like they pointed their little finger at me whilst guffawing... they just happen to notice a total stranger in the middle of a deep conversation with themselves....i want to believe everybody does it... but that doesn't matter... Next thing I know, 5 blocks of me walking and telling that person to... "Mind your own business! Can't you see I'm going through it over here you nosey piece of cow feces? What??? Haven't you ever seen someone talking to themselves before you dirty scum sucker? HUH??? HUH!!!!!!?????" (ALL IN MY MIND...of course) One time after I yelled at someone today (without them knowing that I just verbally assaulted them with hurtful, derogatory jabs) I looked up and saw this homeless guy sitting, ever so quietly, just trying to make it through another day. I had flashes of what his life must be like....the daily grind of figuring out where he was going to sleep, what/if he was going to eat....if today would be the day he would be able to brush his one tooth. I heard my inner voice, trying to put things into perspective, proceeded to reach out with compassion, "OUTTA THE WAY YOU HOMELESS SCHMUCK! Don't you know I'm unemployed? Have you any idea how hard my life is.... I'm out of work and about to use my $90 dollar, unlimited metro card to get on the subway and go to my apartment that I live in by myself with my new flat screen tv, cable, and Air Conditioning! EVER HEARD OF A SHOWER??? Well I got one! OUT OF MY WAY! and you better not ask me for money! I'M UNEMPLOYED! HOW RUDE! Have you no pity for someone in my situation!?" All this being said on the inside as I dig into my pocket and flip some loose change into his Starbucks cup. (Even homeless people love that place... Starbucks just figured it out huh?) I cannot always choose my thoughts.... but usually I can choose my actions!
I guess it is really hitting me that... I'm once again a struggling, unemployed actor. It has been two years since I've been out of work....with nothing in the works. The last few times I was home, it was either on a medical leave, or a layoff. Those times I knew I was going to be returning to a weekly paycheck. Now, I am beginning to realize that in a way.... having a job, in a strange way, is a bit of a vacation for me. A vacation from certain stress and anxiety. I love knowing that I have a show to do in the evening. I love knowing that my direct deposit will be in my account Friday morning. I enjoy going through my day, knowing that I have to be at the theatre at least 30 minutes before curtain...and that I will be able to talk to (or ignore) a bunch of talented people who go through the same ups and downs as I do in this business. I am limbo right now. I need a schedule. I need to be working on something! Not just the gym! I don't want to work out so much that I look like one of those giant guys who probably haven't wiped their own asses in years! I don't own a bidet people!
Tmw.... look up classes, schedule some voice lessons... and get my shit out of this funk!
But... why can't I just take a break? Why can't I just relax and enjoy this time off for a bit? Maybe I need to add.... "See a Shrink" to my list of shit to do? I better look up if my insurance covers Psychologists! I just realized... this blog... is basically an online version of me walking down the street and TALKING TO MYSELF! HA HA HA HA HA HA But maybe some people are reading this.... thinking I'm insane.... but reading it none the less! SUCKERS!
Alright.... I got nothing else.
Be kind to each other... even if you are telling them off in your mind! Except don't be kind to killers and rapists.... they are bad.
And don't judge me too hard if you see me walking down the street having a full out conversation with... ME!
Love and toothless grins!
Ven
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