Frankie Says.....

Yeah, yeah....  Frankie said Relax.

Frankie can lick my nuggets.   If it was that easy...I'd be relaxing right now.  I mean,  the environment seems perfect....   I'm sitting on my super comfy couch, in my apartment (in which I live alone...no roommate to piss me off.... or piss on me...sorry, not into watersports!), I have a "two-years-on-tour-earned", flat screen TV blaring in front of my punim (just throwing in a bit of Yiddish), cable, internet, Nintendo Wii, fully stocked fridge, cabinet full of snacks, office full of books, and most importantly.....  Air Conditioner set at 64 degrees BLASTING at Turbo speed... YET....  I'm going crazy cause I have nothing to do... and I'm not relaxed at all.   There is still this feeling of...  it's not dread,  or stress right now... it's more of an unsettled feeling....  like I'm not doing something I should be doing.   Or like I'm not working hard enough.  I feel that way a lot, even when I have a job... but now that I am back to being an out-of-work, (i'd say starving, but I haven't been able to stop shoveling food down my gullet since I got home today) struggling, actor.

I don't  remember being this preoccupied with working hard growing up.  I was a good student, but I never had to study much.  School came pretty easily.  I played soccer since I was 4 years old through my senior year of high school. Go Paladins! (Scary huh,  "Hey, watch out... here come the South Plantation PALADINS!"... yeah right!)  I have memories of my dad getting mad at me cause I wasn't working hard at soccer practice. He might not remember them 'cause he's old....and bald.   I joke.... but he is old and bald. Anyway.... One of my coaches called me "the slowest fast guy" he's ever seen.  In practice,  I would just trod along,  last in the line....  bored out of my mind from having to run around the field... But during a game...  I'd find the speed.  Not the cocaine...  just a burst of energy.  But basically,  no interest in the practice, just wanted to play the game.   This behavior continued through college....  which wasn't a great attitude to have.  The last of the 4 colleges I went to was New World School of the Arts in Miami, FL whose undergraduate conservatory program basically required you to be at school from 8 am to 10pm or later 5 days a week... and sometimes on the weekend.  I looked at this as "practice"  and Hated It!  I would do the minimum amount of work, kind of bullshit my way through the assignments....  and then if I was in one of the productions or something... I would go full out.  I look back at those days.... and even the first few years in the business and realize 2 major things that were lacking.   Passion, and the concept of a Career.

About a year ago when visiting my mom's house in Plantation, I found an old homework assignment of mine from kindergarden.  One of the questions was What do you want to be when you grow up?"  If you were to have asked me how the 5 year old ME would have answered that before I read it,  I would have said...  a Baker,  a Cowboy, a Mer-MAN... you know.. .the norm.  (what?? was I the only one who wanted to be a Mer MAN? ... Bitches!)  5 year old me wrote, "Actor."  I was shocked.  If I truly wanted to be an actor from the time I was 5, where was my passion?   Where was the drive?  I sure wasn't begging my parents to take me to voice lessons or dance class.  So, looking back now,  I can completely understand how shocked, confused, and upset my parents seemed to be when I told them I wanted to be an actor.  To turn my nose up at the possibility of soccer scholarships, to get a Bachelors of Fine Arts.  I distinctly remember my father, in his charming, weight-fluctuating way (and by charming, I mean.... not so happy) saying, "You're gonna make me pay for school?"  Well DUH!?  I can't pay for it with the pesos I'm earning selling cassette singles at Sam Goody at the Broward Mall!  (I say pesos cause it was south florida.)  By the way,  if you ever go into a music store...  don't expect a 16 year old to be able to know what fucking song you're trying to find if you are TONE DEAF and the only word in the chorus you know is 'LOVE'...  They aren't going to be able to help you...  ya retard!   .....Now that that's out of the way....   I'm sure it must have looked like I was taking the easy way out, studying acting....   and hindsight being 20/20....  I probably was.   But something changed a few years ago. I began to appreciate... and then fall in love with...  the WORK... The craft of acting...  the process of developing a character,  interpreting text, scene study...   all of these things that I blew off in college.  All of a sudden I wanted to learn how to do what I have been doing professionally for years....  I fell in love with what I do for a living....   I found the Passion.  I love what I do.   Which I feel directly relates to the second thing that was lacking, thinking of jobs in terms of a Career!

When I left New World School of the Arts before graduating, all my teachers, and most of the students told me I would never make it.  I would never work because I'm not ready, or I'm not talented enough.  I can't act, I can't sing.... I don't have enough ballet technique.  So, after booking my first job....  from my first audition in NYC, I called them up to rub it in their faces.   Then through a few of my friends still in the program there I heard the mumblings..."this will be the only thing he does,"  "He just got lucky..."   You know... good supportive things!   Anyway,  I kept booking shit.   But that is what it was for me.  Just getting another thing. No direction.  They weren't connected.  I was looking at these jobs as Sam Goody's....   or waiting tables, not as a career.  Then I booked my first Broadway show.... and it changed!  Something in my brain switched.... and I realized that if I want to do what I love for as long as possible, I am going to have to make this my Career,  and make myself the Product of my business.  The business of ME!  The only thing I have to sell is Me.  Everything I do now is about improving the 'product' (ME for those of you wearing helmets and riding the short but) and moving it up the entertainment industry ladder.  It is this, that ultimately keeps me up at night, getting mad at myself because I have not signed up for any acting classes in the 13 days I've been unemployed.  It is this that keeps me from being able to chill the fuck out and just watch crazy people on TLC keep everything they've ever owned in their tiny one-bedroom apartments with 15 cats and 10 birds shitting everywhere... (HOARDERS!!!  LOVE IT!)

Being invested in my career and having a passion for what I do has made some of my small successes so much sweeter.  But it is also making the downtime so much more challenging than I want it to be.... Add that to my receding hairline and my increasing distance from my early 20's....  and you have ...  well....  a 30-something, balding, stress ball of an actor trying to move up in the business and get a new gig.  But sometimes, all I really want to do is just give myself permission to listen to Frankie and  RELAX.

I should just breathe...  take it day by day.  Celebrate my victories  (I got a new agent!!!   I'll write about it soon.)  Stop being so hard on myself (this is difficult for me.) It will all work out...  cause I believe it will... and so does my Dad! (Who I pick on a lot in this blog... we have that type of banter....  but he's the only person who I truly believe when he tells me "My boy,  you can do anything you set your mind to." ...because I'm his son,  and I learned from him.

So,  tomorrow (actually...   now that it is like 2 am... TODAY) I might just do nothing business related.  Might just go to the gym....  a movie....  have a drink with some friends....















...and just RELAX.

Or not.

DAMN!

"Look out for #1.....  But don't Step in #2."

Ven

Slow and steady..... does it really win the race?

Day 8 of being unemployed....   and slowly I am getting back into the swing of things.  But does Slow and Steady really win the race?  If I just sit back and take my time getting into the audition pool will something just fall in my lap?  Maybe..... it happens....  but will it happen to me?  Probably not.  BASTARDS!  I would love to be at the point in my career... or rather.... at a level in my field that jobs just get thrown to me.... like leftovers at a homeless man.  (I tend to throw my charity....it reminds the recipients "No pain no Gain"....  I'm thoughtful like that.)  But seriously,  I like throwing food at homeless people.   Anyway,  there was a time in my career where certain regional jobs were just kind of handed to me.   A lot of them were productions of the show Swing! which is an amazing show...and I loved doing it!  Without auditioning, I was offered a part in productions of Swing! at the following theaters:  1. Gateway Playhouse (which later cast me without auditioning in On the Town),  2. Downtown Cabaret Theatre (where people brought there own food to the theatre....and after intermission we would have to jump over empty orange juice containers and pizza boxes left on the stage... REALLY?  Raised in a barn much?...not that I have anything again people raised in barns... I love barns....   and Noble.)  3. Marriott Lincolnshire Resort (which later gave me a part in their production of The All Night Strut...which was just a strange version of Swing!.... and during one number I painted my face so inappropriately that I though for sure I was going to be fired... but alas, I was not.... but now that I think about it... I haven't been offered anything there since..i don't know how many years....  hmmmm.) Here's an example of what I put on my face..... I was only on stage for 30 seconds though...not that it makes it any more appropriate!    4. La Mirada Playhouse (Cathy Rigby's theater...  hmmm.. haven't worked there again either...   oh shit...   I'm hated everywhere!)   I turned Swing! down at the Carousel Dinner Theater in Akron.... but that was because I'm a hypochondriac, and thought I was dying of some unknown disease,  and felt it would be rude to accept the job... and die in the middle of rehearsals. (You think I'm kidding... but I am not!)  Was there anywhere else I did that show???? Can't remember... DAMN YOU MARY JANE!  (Self Medicated for years)   I was offered ensemble work at the Theatre Under the Stars' (a.k.a. TUTS) productions of ....oh shit... let me wander through my burnt out memory....   there they are... Singin' in the Rain, 110 in the Shade, and A Wonderful Life.  These were some great theaters to work for, and I feel blessed to have had the opportunity to work at these amazing theaters around the country...    but no my sights are bigger! I would love to work at these theaters again, but I don't want to be an ensemble dancer. Bottom line.    That was never my intention.  I don't love it the way you have to love it to do it 8 times a week.  I LOVE performing... so when I was in these shows... I was having a great time, but looking ahead to something else.  I want to do roles!  Point of Information:  I recently played Orin Scrivello, DDS in Little Shop of Horrors at TUTS..... so that is a start....  (THANK YOU ROY HAMLIN!)  But that was one!  I WANT MORE!!!   I'm INSATIABLE!  Does sitting at home and taking my time help me get these role?   Or do I GET TO WORK!?   I'm not good at just doing nothing.... or at least not feeling guilty about doing nothing.  Last week I sure did a lot of nothing...but wasn't doing it alone...I have my friend...   his name is STRESS!  

So,  this week...   the beginning of my 2nd week out of work,  I've already bumped up a gear.  I had a pianist put down on tape (which really isn't a tape... I just say that cause I'm old school people... OLD SCHOOL!) the melody and accompaniment of some songs I want to work on... IN CASE  I get an audition for these roles.  I figure... if I do wind up getting an audition, I want to be prepared! I'd rather not be scrambling to learn new music a day or two before I have to sing it.  
My list:
"Dead of Alive" from Rock of Ages (I want to play Stacey Jaxx)
"I'm Not That Smart" from 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee (Leaf Coneybear would be an amazing role to take a bite out of!)
"Dancing Through Life" and "As Long as Your Mine" from Wicked....  (That shit is kind of high for my voice... but that is why I NEED TO WORK ON IT!)
AND  I am going to learn some stuff from Company, cause Bobby is one of my dream roles of all time.   Hear that Universe?  I WANT TO PLAY BOBBY IN COMPANY!

Also....I have made an appointment to audition to become a member of One on One studios so if....strike that... WHEN accepted, I can sign up for classes there.   Normally I would stick my nose up at a place I would have to audition for and then PAY to take class,  but I am READY TO WORK!    I am ready to put myself out there.... I'm moving people....  getting the artistic juices flowing... or maybe that's Syphillis....  either way.. I'M JUICY!

So basically... even if Slow and Steady wins some races....this ain't the Special Olympics!   I don't like slow and steady when it comes to being unemployed.  An I don't believe Slow and Steady applies in this field!  If anything is slow is steady... it will be my sex life! (Sometimes fast and rough is okay.... but it depends on your partner... you should really talk about it first... communication is key... and have a safety word... Like Banana...  or Creme Brulee...mmmm.... I love Creme Brulee.)     I'll be damned if I let my insecurities and fears keep me from working.  I didn't move away from my family just to live in New York City.  I moved for my career. Anything less than Full Out is unacceptable....   I stop for nothing! (except a job, feckin' duh!) Out of my way crazy homeless people....  I got no job to get to but I gotta get there FAST!

Have a lovely evening....  I'm going to watch Wipeout and laugh at other people falling and hurting themselves.

Ven

Oh... here's another picture of my inappropriate make-up.  It's a steaming pile of poo.

I Have a Giant One..

Yes.... I said it. I have a giant one. I great, big, giant, full one. It's called.... A "To Do List."

I have a giant To Do list.... yet still find myself feeling like I have nothing to do. Why is that? What is wrong with me that I could spend so much time writing down everything that I feel needs to get done in my life... but when it comes around to actually doing it.... I can't get started? If my To Do list looked like the following.... I would have been able to check everything off, and would probably have to schedule time to Stop doing my To Do List: Actually... I should call this my "Already Doing List":

Masturbate

Go to Starbucks

Masturbate again

Drink more coffee

Eat

Eat some more

Watch a smidge of Television.

Look up irrelevant bullshit online.

Masturbate

Google Myself. (I call this a "vanity search'")

Check Facebook.

Order another Iced Venti unsweetened Iced Coffee.

So... basically... I complain and complain that I am not accomplishing anything.... yet the only things I seem to be able to do is play with my pecker and drink coffee.

Here's my real "To Do List":

-Find 2 monologues to audition for One on One Studios with.

-Work on audition songs.

-Find a great On Camera acting class

-Gym (I DO THIS ONE EVERY DAY!!!!!..... Check!)

-Call Sprint and have those bitches send me something that will allow me to use my cell phone in my apartment.... because just my luck... My apartment is the only place in New York fuckin' City that my phone doesn't get service. Really Sprint? REALLY?

-Work on the script for my Musical..... Which is fucking hysterical.... but I can't seem to buckle down and continue writing it. Yet ironically... I am blogging about how I am not writing.

-Make a music video.. Random right? Don't judge.

-Find my original To Do list!

And Finally (though I am sure I have missed a few.... )

-GET A FUCKING JOB!!!!!!!!!!!

Each night since I have gotten home... I have been stressed out that I am not accomplishing my goals... I haven't been working hard enough... I haven't been doing enough to move forward and improve my skills... BLAH BLAH fucking BLAH... What is it going to take to light a fire under my ass.... one that is not a type of rash... and get started? What is it that is holding me back? Am I afraid? If so, what the fuck am I afraid of? It can't be any worse... I'm already unemployed! Am I afraid of Rejection? Then I'm in the wrong business!!! Am I afraid of Failure? What a pussy! Am I afraid of Success? Then what's the point? I'm sure as hell not afraid of spending a lot of time whipping out my kibbles and bits and wasting a bunch of possible offspring!

Am I overwhelming myself with shit? Should I edit my list to just one thing?? OR!!!! This is the beauty of streaming consciousness... some stuff just comes to you... Maybe I can make my list smaller and just put a daily list together... I bet it would be easier for me to accomplish just one of my goals per day.... instead of trying to finish all of them...and getting NONE done. I'm A FUCKING GENIUS people... Do you hear me???? A GENIUS! So.... the first thing To Do:

-Write a new To Do List!

oh-kaaaay. Which one to pick?

THIS SUCKS!

I'm gonna go "Two-pump and a dump" it and get some coffee.

"To Do Lists" can SUCK MY BALLS!

Ven

Unemployment Has Hit My Stomach!

So.... here I sit... unemployed.... and STRESSED THE FUCK OUT! It makes me have to poo. Anytime I am out of work, I tend to get stressed, but today... WOAH! I am going through it. I am going through it so much... that I BROKE UP WITH SOMEONE I WASN'T EVEN DATING! Seriously... I had the "friend" talk.... with a FRIEND! I've lost my mind.

I was walking around the city today after pumping the iron at Gold's Gym on 54th street, talking to myself like a crazy whack-a-do! I'd catch myself every now and then.... look around to see if anyone caught me... WHICH THEY ALWAYS DO.... then keep walking.... keeping my lips still.... as if the person who caught me is now going to think that they IMAGINED what they saw... It isn't like they pointed their little finger at me whilst guffawing... they just happen to notice a total stranger in the middle of a deep conversation with themselves....i want to believe everybody does it... but that doesn't matter... Next thing I know, 5 blocks of me walking and telling that person to... "Mind your own business! Can't you see I'm going through it over here you nosey piece of cow feces? What??? Haven't you ever seen someone talking to themselves before you dirty scum sucker? HUH??? HUH!!!!!!?????" (ALL IN MY MIND...of course) One time after I yelled at someone today (without them knowing that I just verbally assaulted them with hurtful, derogatory jabs) I looked up and saw this homeless guy sitting, ever so quietly, just trying to make it through another day. I had flashes of what his life must be like....the daily grind of figuring out where he was going to sleep, what/if he was going to eat....if today would be the day he would be able to brush his one tooth. I heard my inner voice, trying to put things into perspective, proceeded to reach out with compassion, "OUTTA THE WAY YOU HOMELESS SCHMUCK! Don't you know I'm unemployed? Have you any idea how hard my life is.... I'm out of work and about to use my $90 dollar, unlimited metro card to get on the subway and go to my apartment that I live in by myself with my new flat screen tv, cable, and Air Conditioning! EVER HEARD OF A SHOWER??? Well I got one! OUT OF MY WAY! and you better not ask me for money! I'M UNEMPLOYED! HOW RUDE! Have you no pity for someone in my situation!?" All this being said on the inside as I dig into my pocket and flip some loose change into his Starbucks cup. (Even homeless people love that place... Starbucks just figured it out huh?) I cannot always choose my thoughts.... but usually I can choose my actions!

I guess it is really hitting me that... I'm once again a struggling, unemployed actor. It has been two years since I've been out of work....with nothing in the works. The last few times I was home, it was either on a medical leave, or a layoff. Those times I knew I was going to be returning to a weekly paycheck. Now, I am beginning to realize that in a way.... having a job, in a strange way, is a bit of a vacation for me. A vacation from certain stress and anxiety. I love knowing that I have a show to do in the evening. I love knowing that my direct deposit will be in my account Friday morning. I enjoy going through my day, knowing that I have to be at the theatre at least 30 minutes before curtain...and that I will be able to talk to (or ignore) a bunch of talented people who go through the same ups and downs as I do in this business. I am limbo right now. I need a schedule. I need to be working on something! Not just the gym! I don't want to work out so much that I look like one of those giant guys who probably haven't wiped their own asses in years! I don't own a bidet people!

Tmw.... look up classes, schedule some voice lessons... and get my shit out of this funk!

But... why can't I just take a break? Why can't I just relax and enjoy this time off for a bit? Maybe I need to add.... "See a Shrink" to my list of shit to do? I better look up if my insurance covers Psychologists! I just realized... this blog... is basically an online version of me walking down the street and TALKING TO MYSELF! HA HA HA HA HA HA But maybe some people are reading this.... thinking I'm insane.... but reading it none the less! SUCKERS!

Alright.... I got nothing else.

Be kind to each other... even if you are telling them off in your mind! Except don't be kind to killers and rapists.... they are bad.

And don't judge me too hard if you see me walking down the street having a full out conversation with... ME!

Love and toothless grins!

Ven

Bidi Bidi Bom Bom

Tonight is the first night back in my apartment after the Legally Blonde tour has come to an end.... and have I been able to just sit back and relax and enjoy knowing that I don't have to work tomorrow at any point of the day????? Nope... not at all. Welcome to me! I have just spent the past 3 hours cleaning out my home office.... I have been going through boxes that have been packed up for over two years now.... and THROWING SHIT OUT! But also finding little treasures of good times past.... I have also found a few things that remind me that... well... I AM A NUT JOB.

Some things I have found so far:

Over 2 THOUSAND CD's.

A Shoebox of Baseball Cards... (I don't know one player)

6 Random, grammatically incorrect T-shirts from Japan (Photographed and trashed!)

3... I REPEAT...3 Selena Dolls! IN THE BOX! WHO THE FUCK AM I????? I grew up a little white Jewish kid .... why do I have these???? (Gonna try and sell these beotches.)

An unopened 1997 16-month SELENA Calendar! REALLY? 1997? REALLY? Selena? Why? I'm embarassed!

A CD of a recording of me singing BIDI BIDI BOM BOM... (consider it DESTROYED!!!! No one will EVER have to be put through hearing this!)

And an entire CD holder of Porn. (I'm keeping that)

I find it interesting how I can live out of two suitcases for 2 years... not needing ANY of that shit that is in that closet.... but have trouble making the decision to throw certain things out. Why do I need a receipt from a grocery store in Japan??? I DONT! Get RID OF IT!

I have developed my own way of overcoming any Hoarding tendencies I may harbor... however small they may be.. It's this new invention called... a camera! I now take a picture of the shit I don't need, but are great memories.... then it takes up less space...and I can look at them on my computer and have the same feeling as if I was touching it. I mean.. I KNOW I'm never going to wear most of the clothes that I save...they are just to look at and remember.. SO why take up space in my small Queens, NY apartment? WHY I ASK YOU... WHY!!!!?????? I don't! Problem Solved... This doesn't mean for anyone to stop buying me gifts... I LOVE GIFTS! But if it is a gift that I am never going to wear or use... I'm warning you now... I'll probably take a picture of it and give it to some Homeless Person... so don't come by looking for it if you are super sensitive. I say this 'cause I care!

I would think the one big question that would come from this entry would be... Why the obsession with Selena? I'm not even Mexican. and I DON'T Eh-Speakuh Eh-Spanish! . Plus... I learned about her after she was killed.... (on March 31st 1995 by the president of her fan club... Yolanda Saldivar...that WHORE.... who is still in jail... and will not discuss her involvement in the shooting.... I still mourn.) Yeah.... I've got a screw loose or something... or maybe just HAD a screw loose. Either way... It's not like I went to any of her concerts... or met her... The answer?... I have no idea. But I know that I went FULL OUT with my support. (3 DOLLS! I'm yelling now... THREE... DOLLS! I'm a grown Man... and I have have kept 3 Fucking Selena Dolls... the dolls themselves aren't fucking...HOW DARE YOU?!!!!!!)

So... um.... basically... what I'm trying to say it... Does anyone want to buy 3 Selena Dolls? Still in the original, slightly distressed boxes!

Tuesday I start getting my life together. Let's see how that shit goes!

Love and... Dead Mexican Singers!

Ven

Last Day on Tour with Legally Blonde

I know there will be no time later in the day to write, so I am taking just a few moments now... before the matinee of our last day of the first national tour of Legally Blonde the Musical.

I sit here fighting back tears as the thought of my final two performances floats through my head. I have been in this company for two years... and during those two years, I have had the opportunity to work with some of the most inspiring people of my career to date. I know in my heart, that because of this show and the people involved, I am leaving a better person.... a better actor, a better artist, a better friend, a better employee..... just better. I have been changed. I have grown. I have learned. I have loved. I have cried. I have laughed. I have been high. I have sung. I have danced. I have carried. I have been carried. I have cared. I have been cared for. I have trusted. I have believed. I have tried. I have learned. I have been challenged. I have been released. I have opened. I have awaken. I have been.... and because of this experience, I will Be.

Thank you to everyone who has been involved in this journey. Thank you from the bottom of my heart... and soul.

Natalie Joy Johnson.... I can't find the words. Only love. Because of you.... (insert all the good things that will happen to me in the future.)

Goodbye Legally Blonde.

Hello everything new. Here I come.

Ven Daniel

What's My 'Type'?

What's my 'Type?' Well, that seems like a question that could be answered many ways, but let's keep this as non-pornographic as possible... Okay... well maybe a little pornography might slip in (pun intended) at some point during this entry, but that's just cause I am who I am. I can't help it, I came out of the womb thinking about sex, which is understandable... since I, like a lot of humans, came out of a Vagina! DUH! I might be less sex-crazed had my mom had a c-section, and I can only imagine what I would have been like had I been breast fed! I'd probably be in some back room right now, paying some one-eyed, toothless dwarf for a rusty trombone and a hummer.

But back to the subject at hand... this is a question that I struggle with. In this business you tend to hear people talk about 'type' a lot. But what is my type? Let's break me down physically for a second. (Now please understand... I am not fishing here... I have been self-diagnosed with body dysmorphia, and no matter how accurately I try to describe my facial features...someone always tells me I'm crazy.) So, let's get started. I am about 5' 10"-5' 11". I usually weigh somewhere between 170-177 lbs. I am happy to say I still have a 29/30 inch waist..... but have recently learned that if I buy pants in a 31-32, I CAN WEAR SKINNY JEANS!! FINALLY!! (it only took me 30+ years to figure that out.) I have been working out a bunch since one of my dance partners in the national tour of Swing! looked at my stomach 10 years ago, and said, "you could lose that if you wanted to." So, now I am obsessed with being as skinny as possible while maintaining muscle mass... but this in itself has become a bit of a problem, cause now... that seems to be the only thing people see when they look at me...Oh... and I'm a compulsive eater... which gets in the way too. (Seriously... you should see the amounts of food I can devour in one sitting... I mean COME ON... I have in my bio "Ven loves all-you-can-eat seafood buffets and chicken wings"... that wasn't a joke... I DO!) Anyway, I'm not huge.. but I think it is pretty obvious that I am a frequent visitor to the gymnasium. I have a receding hairline that people tell me isn't that bad... but I think these bitches are lying to me... and I can't stop obsessing over it every time I look in the mirror. I'm not even exaggerating..... EVERY TIME I LOOK IN THE MIRROR! Sometimes I look in the mirror JUST to obsess over it. Um, I have what I like to call... and Comb-FORWARD! (BTW: I am currently looking for an Angel Investor who wants to pay for my hair transplants..... but a true Angel Investor who believes in my cause... and doesn't expect me to lick their taint or anything like that..... just putting that out there!) I grew up as a freckly-faced red head with a Jew-fro whose awkward stage was... well... sometimes I think it is STILL going on. (except for a few angles with great lighting!) I have had issues with my hair my whole life. Now... the fuckers won't grow at all, except now, I am in a business where your appearance is extremely important.... and now I would take that giant Jew-fro because at least it would be growing in thick where my giant excuse for a forehead is now. My face... well.... i don't think it is anything special. I'm not going to be winning any beauty competitions any time soon....and I ain't getting any younger! My nose is kinda big and long... but I am a fan of my eye-lashes! they are really curly and..... well... actually a bit feminine for a man! GREAT! So... maybe I'm not a big fan of my eye-lashes anymore. DAMN! I am surrounded by gorgeous people all the time in this business, and often I am grouped in with these guys, but I think it is more because of my body than my face. I'm not the Wholesome, All-American looking Abercrombie guy. I tend to get thought of for the sexy, buff looking guys...(which, of coures, makes me more obsessed at the gym) However, this is so strange to me, because anyone who really knows me would probably say I'm a total whack-a-do, who makes funny voices and weird faces... and jumps into strange, and self-proclaimed HILARIOUS characters for no apparent reason.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I TALKING ABOUT ANYMORE??? WHERE AM I GOING WITH THIS????

Basically, I keep talking like I don't know what to do... But now I think that 'talk' is just a defense mechanism and a form of procrastination. I know what has to be done.... In the words of my father... FUCK EM! (not literally.... that would be bringing us back to the pornography.... and I have already cleaned up after the one-eyed dwarf.... who I forgot to mention also had a club-foot....hey...i have a club-foot fetish, don't judge!) ' Fuck em' meaning: I want to play all types of roles....different characters. It is my job to show everyone what I am capable of. If I get an opportunity to audition for roles that someone might not think I am the right type for... then I need to do whatever I can to change their minds. If I can't change their minds the first time, then I need to keep going in and serving that shit up until I audition myself right out of the box that they may (or may not) have put me in. I need to be as prepared as possible when the few chances this business gives you come! I need to take risks. I need to be fearless. And I need to trust that I can accomplish this, cause this is what I love to do ,this is what I want to do.... and I don't accept failure that easily.

And I love porn.

Love and Cleveland Steamers!

Ven

Sweating My Balls Off....

So, here I am... backstage at the Wolftrap Theatre in Vienna, VA.... Sweating my balls off. I might even get to say 'literally' by the end of the show....we'll have to see.... I hope that doesn't happen cause I really like my balls. (I reference them often when I write, so you know I'm not lying.)

The Wolftrap Theater is an outdoor theater, which basically means, "Sorry bitches, if there is power, there's a show!" I feel sorry for whoever is washing these costumes after tonight's show, cause that shit is going to be revolting! I recently performed at the Miller Outdoor Theatre as Orin Scrivello, DDS in Little Shop of horrors at the Theatre Under the Stars in Houston! It was pretty hot there too, but this is a new level of hot. At least in Houston, there was air conditioning being pumped onto the stage. Here... there is.... NOTHING! Oh... and now we get to put on Heavy WOOL inmate costumes and JUMP... MOTHA-FUCKIN'... ROPE!!!! Yes... JUMP ROPE! so basically... this blog post is a giant rant about how fucking hot it is during today's show.

What does this blog have to do with working toward my next gig???? I DONT FUCKING KNOW! But I know it is hot... and my balls have sagged so much that I thought I stepped in gum... but it was just my scrotum sticking out my pant leg and resting on the side of my shoe!

Enjoy that picture!

Love and sweaty ball and taints!

Ven

Others' Success Is Not My Failure.

So this is my third attempt at writing today's blog. I started a few times... had some witty opening lines... then realized..... it made no sense. Not that a lot of my rants make much sense... but if I can't understand it.. and I wrote the bullshit... then it needs to be erased. So, alas, here I go again.

Basically, today I was faced with something that I fight with all the time. Other people's success stories... and how they effect me! (did I use the correct word 'effect' or should I have used 'affect?'.... I dont know.... if this shit ever turns into the next Eat, Pray, Love then my editor can figure that shit out.) Back to my story already! GEEZ! So... there I was at this new place, I don't know if any of you have heard of it... it is called Starbucks. I was there with my friend who recently found out that he was cast in a regional production of Hairspray in a role that he did in the closing Broadway company of the same show. I was beyond excited for him, he is amazingly talented and from everyone I have heard from that has either worked with him in the show or seen him in it...he nails the role. Also, I know from experience that when you do a show with certain creative teams, and you don't suck and aren't difficult to work with, they tend to use you again...and again... It's part of the business! I experienced it with Swing! for quite a few years! So, even though I am never going be able to play the role he got, there was still a moment where I allowed his success to make me sad that I don't have a job waiting. Not only that... but that I haven't been called in to audition for anything in a while. THEN.... another person that we know, found out that she was cast in the same show as my friend.... and once again.... as happy as I was for her... I felt the insecurity creep in through the back door.... not my anus.... but figuratively speaking none the less. I've read before that 'One person's success is not my failure.' and I totally agree with this... but why do I continue to allow it to bother me? I'm not sure...which is why I'm rhetorically posing this question... and what is it that I can do about it? I was thinking about a few options. 1) Tell my friends to go fuck themselves every time they get a job. (not sure how that will go over) 2) As soon as they tell me the good news.... I throw up on them. (might be hard to do that on cue) 3) After they inform me of their recent conquest, I whip out my balls and tea bag them. (Starbucks might not like this one since they sell tea bags....and that would be the same as bringing outside food to the movies.)

My goal..... in addition to starting to get called in for these roles.... these shows.... etc, is to be as supportive and excited for my friends as I always am.... and when I feel those feelings of inadequacy creep in... to just acknowledge them.... and remind myself that their success has absolutely NOTHING TO DO WITH ME! I guess the first step in acknowledging this pattern... and just living The Power of Now.

Thank you for reading my blog-arrhea!

Oh.... and I have some of the most talented friends. I am blessed.

Tea Bag this!

Ven

Hath Hell frozen over? Quite possibly. 2 days in a row of blogging...the devil has put on his shawl.

As I sit here in a random Starbucks in Falls Church, VA sipping ever so slowly on my Iced Venti unsweetened iced coffee, I felt the allure of my blog tuggin' on my scrotum... or that was a midget prostitute..... either way, nothin' beats a good tug of the scrote. But back to the blog.

For years I've been writing a daily affirmation. Every day I write the same affirmation, 25 times, in my college ruled notebook. I write my daily affirmation 25 times a day until it is true. Over the years I have changed my affirmation to encompass all aspects of my life that I feel need improving, and have had enormous success. I try to keep it realistic, cause I don't think any amount of writing could enlarge my penis and regrow my receding hairline....but at times I believe it could be worth a shot. My current affirmation is this:

I am an amazing auditioner who books principle roles.

My last affirmation (I am a great singer who can tell a story through song.) came true... and of course this is totally subjective... but I believe it to be true. Writing that every day allowed that statement to become part of my mindset....and with that thought process I began to welcome actions into my life that would lead to the confirmation of that affirmation. So.... now I am faced with my current affirmation. Recently, while sitting at another random Starbucks (those bitches better put me on payroll)

I was writing my daily affirmation when some annoying barista, obviously unaware of how badly someone NOT MAKING EYE CONTACT, keeping their head down, and writing intensely in notebook DOESN'T want to be spoken to, decided to speak to me. "Hey, do you mind if I ask what you're writing?" Breaking my deep concentration, I unzipped my pants and peed on him. (in my mind) After internally laughing at him wiping my urine off his coffee-ground covered smock, I said I was writing my daily affirmation. "Do you mind if I ask you what it is?" he continued....completely oblivious that I had just took a giant turd on his shoe. "I am an amazing auditioner who books principle roles," I said curtly.....since I don't usually speak to people covered in feces....even imaginary. Still not taking the hint, Barista Annoying asked, "Well, is it true?" Having no other body fluids at hand (coffee dehydrates me) I plainly answered..... and summing up the point of this whole story, "If it was true, I wouldn't be writing it." I will write this daily affirmation until it is true. And once that happens... I will move on to the next one. Every day I write this affirmation, I think about all the actions that will make it come true..... Continuing my voice lessons, audition workshops, vocal coachings, acting classes, audition after audition..... All this is part of the journey to the next gig. But the next gig won't come until I become '...an amazing auditioner who books principle roles."

Good day.... Good night.... and don't interrupt me while I'm writing my daily affirmation or I might take a dump on you.

Ven

An attempt at blogging.....

As my 2 year stint in the first national tour of Legally Blonde the Musical comes to a close this week, I cannot help but think about what is next on the horizon in my career. This job has been life changing. Yes, I said it.... Life Changing. I will explain in another post for those of you who decide to follow this journey. Not Journey the band... My Journey.

I am planning to blog... (in my mind on a daily basis.... but based on past blogging habits, we'll see how well that goes) about my journey from one job to the next big gig. This will entail blogging about all my auditions, classes, rejections, close calls, open calls, days I can't get out of bed, days when I can't seem to get to bed, and everything in between that happens to this particular actor (ME!!!!) after one job ends and another begins. The thought of documenting this is scary.... There is a lot of pressure. What if I don't work again until I'm as old as that wrinkly lady from Titanic who hit it big right before she died.... THATS A LOT OF BLOGGING... and honestly... I don't think I have that kind of time... or that type of appeal to have anyone other than my dad read it.... and if that gassy bastard is still alive when I'm that old, I'm gonna have bigger things to deal with than my career.... probably his diapers. ANYHOO... The thought of being out of work is always daunting... but especially at this time in my career when I've been out of the loop for two years!

So.... stay tuned....

.... and this might be the last time I'm not vulgar and completely inappropriate.... but hopefully funny... and if you don't think I'm funny.... lick my balls. (in the nicest possible way!)

Ven