A long long time ago, in a city far far away, there was a little boy. A little redheaded boy with the longest lashes.... and giant teeth that he hadn’t quite grown into yet. An innocent boy yet to be destroyed by the evil forces of judgement. That boy.... was me.
We all have moments in our lives where we judge. At least, for purposes of this entry, I am going to say ‘ALL.’ We judge others, we judge ourselves, we judge ... Judy. If we were able to read the minds of others, I think it would be nearly impossible to find a human who hasn’t judged someone else. If you are one of those people who are able to read minds, please, leave a comment at the end of this cause I would love to hear from you.... and then probably judge you as being crazy. Sorry about it... just being honest.
Now, I say I was destroyed by the evil forces of judgement, but I want to be clear that in addition to having at times been emotionally wrecked from judgement weighed uponst me (‘uponst’ just sounds more regal).... I am speaking specifically about how my judgement on others has destroyed me and my ability to enjoy theatrical events and performances. Somewhere in my life a switch was made. I went from someone who could get lost in the world of a musical, enjoying my time being taken on a jaunt riding a Showboat through a mystical land called Brigadoon (which only comes around once every hundred years), whilst Defying Gravity with People who need People.... to a jaded theatre critic. When and how did this start? When will it end? How can I change this?
The first professional show I saw was Miss Saigon at the Broward Center for the Performing Arts starring..... no one famous. I was at the edge of my seat the entire show.... which probably irritated the people in the row in front of me.... but fuck them...THERE WAS A HELICOPTER ON THE STAGE, what did they expect? My friend Jill and I sang the entire soundtra.....pardon me you theater snobs... Cast Recording everyday in her car, acting out the important parts with our arms....since that is how you “act” before you have any training....and having recently watched a bootleg of a show I was in....after training as well! At no point during the performance did I turn to my friend and make some douche-bag comment about the talent of the actors on stage, or my disagreement of their “choices,” or lack there of.
Fast Forward to college. There I am, a freshman at New World School of the Arts....I repeat... a FRESHMAN.... watching a fellow classmate mutilating a scene in one of our weekly assignments theoretically meant to teach us skills to later be used in our future profession. After her attempt at ‘playing an action’ the rest of the class took turns doing something that I have never, in my 10 years of working in this business done. We openly critiqued and discussed this person’s work IN FRONT OF HER. We were basically given permission to either (uncommonly) praise or..... more importantly and unfortunately NOT praise our classmate’s work. So, basically, one of the main things I learned was how to watch another actor’s work specifically for the purpose of picking it apart, looking for what was wrong, and thinking how “I,” the all-knowing expert of all acting, would do it. I don’t remember having any problem with this as a Freshman.... or... well, until a few years ago. Then, once again, something changed. I’m an ever-changing kind of guy! What can I say?
At some point in the last, however many years, I became highly irritated with how judgmental I was. I was no longer able to go see a broadway show without feeling like I was back in my freshman class at school waiting my turn to critique the shit out it. Let me remind you.... I was WATCHING the broadway show....which usually means that I was NOT IN ONE at the time! Who the fuck was I? Who did I think I was? I’ll tell you, from the perspective of me now.... I was an insecure asshole, ridden with self-entitlement, trying my hardest to feel better about myself by bringing other’s down. Now, I’m not saying that my critiques about shows and performances weren’t spot on, well thought out, intelligently composed, articulate, and New York Times worthy... but the fact that I had these negative things spewing out of me unsolicited, said much more about myself then the work itself. There I was.... focusing on the bad. Focusing on the bad so much, that I found myself looking for it. And when you are spending so much time during a performance looking for the bad, you’re bound to miss all the good. Well that’s just not fair to anyone! Is is possible to change a habit so deeply ingrained in your brain? As funny as I sometimes think I can be, the gales of laughter coming from my fellow listeners couldn’t drown out the sound of my insecurity and guilt pulsing through my veins. This must end!
Introduce: Leslie McDonel. To go into detail of how inspirational this fine actress is would take an entire entry of its own, so I will just say....I am blessed to have met this person. So, in keeping with this entry, one day when having a talk with this angel of amazing-ness she said one of many enlightening things that have resonated within my loins. “The best learn from the best.” I think the context of the conversation was about taking a class or finding a voice teacher.... or something, but in the past 2 years since meeting Leslie, I have taken that one saying and applied it to my judgement issues. Now, I am sure I could argue that just saying someone is “the best” implies judging that other’s aren’t as good, but I am choosing to use it as a positive tool. A tool to look for the best in people. I am constantly looking to improve and learn, and now, having adopted this, i guess you could call it a philosophy, I am moving, ever so slowly, toward looking for the best in people.... as an attempt to learn from them and grow. And I think it is working.
The other night, I got two free tickets to see the broadway show In The Heights. I had a great time, and loved the show! There were a few times where, yes, I was being a smidge judgy about a few things... but.... most of the time... I was just at the edge of my seat, looking for the best in everyone. I was even trying to find the best part of the one lazy female ensemble dancer. (Hey...it’s hard to change completely that fast!!! COME ON!) um..... she looked good in hoochie shorts. There... I said the positive. During intermission, I was standing in a small group, and low and behold.... these people were letting some of the actors HAVE IT! “horrible” this... “terrible” that.... “I can’t belive” ... blah blah blah.... Normally, I probably would have been very active in this conversation, but this time I just couldn’t take part. I had to excuse myself from the group and go talk to the lovely young person who got me the tickets. I would say, this is a step in the right direction. I may not be able to choose my initial reaction, but I have the choice not to be a miserable prick. I am saying "NO" to prick. I am going to look for the best. I am not going to allow my insecurities to turn me into an arrogant asshole who uses every opportunity to trash talk my peers. My peers who are probably going through the same trials and tribulations as I am in this business. I am, however, going to choose to allow myself to be inspired by the hard work and success of others....the positives..... The Best learn from the Best! I want to be the best! And now, when I go see a show, I’m going to look for the best.... so don’t fuck up! ooops... DAMN!
Why can’t anything just be easy!?
Now I just need to go see more shows and see if this is working! Anyone want to buy me some tickets? I'm unemployed!
My coffee just hit my bowels.... gotta go!
Ven
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