Bombs Away

So....    I bombed my first audition.  No... I'm not exaggerating....   I forgot the words to my song.  Yes...  there I was....   with a perfect song choice for the role I was auditioning for (A Light in the Dark from Next to Normal)  I start singing my song....   feeling good and connected, a true song bird resonating with such finesse...  when I hear something...   what is that???   Who is talking to me??  OH...  its ME! I hear my own voice in my head say, "Are you looking above the heads of the auditioners so I don't make them uncomfortable by looking directly at them like you've heard a million times??...  yeah..  check!"  AWESOME!!!  I'm gonna book this shit!!!!    Then I hear me again.... "do these people think I look like a crazy person deliberately looking over their heads, trying not to make eye contact???"  Just keep focusing above them!!   The next think I know I'm thinking, "hmmmm,  I wonder why this part of the music doesn't sound familiar!? Damn, the people they hire to play the piano at these things really sucks my balls...  "  .... followed by, "OH SHIT!!!!   ITS ME!!!  I FUCKED UP!!!!   I skipped to a differnt part of the song!!!"   I tried as hard as I could to use my telepathic powers to direct the pianist to the section of the song I skipped to,  but I must have lost those powers in the war.  So I did the only thing I could do.   I  said, out loud, to the people I'm trying to get to hire me....   "I have NO IDEA where I am in this song!"  and then did a sensible Deep Lunge and put my hands on my hips...   cause nothing shows confidence like a man in a pair of gorgeous grey slacks, perfectly fitted light blue dress shirt, and pink and blue tie in a half-windsor knot,   like a hands-on-hip deep lunge!   Surprsingly, the auditioners were very nice...   even saying how much they were enjoying it up to that point.... (i want to believe they were telling the truth...but doubt it!) I sauntered over to the pianist.... thanked him for trying to help me out even though it was futile (and apologized on my inside for initially blaming it on him)...  and asked him to pick it up from a part toward the end and then addressed the creative team by saying, "So... I'm just gonna start from the end and BRING IT HOME!"  (who am I, Ethel Fuckin' Merman?)   I finished singing my song.... and then went to get my stuff and started to walk out... when they asked me to read the 2nd scene of the 2 that they gave me...  SO..... that would be the second time in 3 minutes where I DEFEATED MYSELF!  I read the sides with some guy sitting in a chair in the corner, cause that is a real theatrical environment,  and was finally allowed to leave the room with my tail betwixt my legs.
I HATE AUDITIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   I fucking hate them!   I spent the past week working on a song that I was given from the show, specifically for that audition...   and was only asked to sing my own song.  Yes, I was told to have my own song....   but....   I was prepared to sing YOUR song!   WHAT THE FUCK!!!!????   I am accepting total responsibility, but it is still irritating!  I should have been more prepared with my own song....   but I just assumed I would be able to pop that shit out....  I WAS WRONG!   I need to be more on top of this..  I need to make sure that I am able to perform my audition songs at the drop of the hat!  Right now, I am unable to do this.

So here's my plan.

Watch some porn.

THEN....   I am going to rent rehearsal space at a studio in the city...   and prepare each song in my book that I plan on using at some point in an audition as if it is a finished, onstage performance.   I did this with two auditions before and booked them both!   I am completely aware at my current inability to just go into a random room in a random studio, in front of random people, and just let my instincts book me a job.   NOPE.. NOT GONNA HAPPEN!   I need to have it mapped out... I need to have it choreographed.... directed... whatever!!! I just need it to feel like a finished product.   I can't just walk in there and make magic...  but I know I can make magic when I'm on stage! (and having sex.... wanna see?)  So I have to prepare my audition material as if it is going to be performed ON STAGE!  I am going to make sure this recent audition experience never happens again!  I was so disappointed in myself....  I let myself down by not being prepared in the way I need to be prepared.   I was so saddened by my showing that the only thing I could do the rest of the day was go home... order a large pizza, eat the whole thing,  eat a bag of peanut M&Ms, and sulk.  

But, since I'm a man with a goal....   I must find the positive!

The positives:

ONE:   I'm still able to eat a whole large pizza by myself! HOLLA!!!!!  Gluttons UNITE!!!  WOO HOO!

TWO:  It can only get better from here,   RIGHT?  I mean... unless I take a giant turd in my pantalones vaqueros during an audition... It can't get much worse!

and C:    I know what needs to be done!   and I can do it!!!!  

Also...   a friend of mine told me a trick one of his friends does before his auditions.  He goes to the bathroom and gets himself a chubby before walking into the room.   He said it gives him a little more mojo....  so....  hey.. I'm gonna try it.  Nothing like spanking it a bit before singing a musical theatre standard, and anything that gets my hands on my dong is okay by me!

LOVE LOVE LOVE

I still can't believe I did a deep lunge in front of people I want to cast me.

Ven