On The Verge of a Nervous... Breakthrough.

There I was, 21 years after passing through the labia majora of the woman known as my mother, about to take my first ballet class.  I repeat....   Labia Majora.  I was wearing my newly purchased black tights, black leather ballet slippers, and a wife beater.  Having no idea what a dance belt was,  my ginger-minged pecker was also making his ballet debut whilst my scrotum, experiencing stage fright, thought it would be smart to hide betwixt my thighs...dangling (it was warm) in no man's land, which I later learned is the most dangerous place for your balls when dancing...  DUMB BALLS!  When class started I basically had no idea what the fuck was going on!  Plee-yay.... what?   Tom-bay.... who?   Glee-sahd... ummmmm, why isn't this shit in English?   The only French I know is Fry.   So not only am I greatly behind from starting to dance at age 21, I literally couldn't speak the language of ballet.  Add to that... my insecurities about looking like a total tool, a future in dance was not in the cards. "I couldn't possibly be seen moving like that...  I'll look like a tard!" probably passed from my lips at some point that year. I mean...  How could I put myself in a position to be laughed at and mocked like I, at the time, would have hilariously done to others?  HOW I ASK YOU????    I'll answer that... I didn't!  Two years go by... and though I am progressing rather quickly by mimicking the steps, my need to maintain some semblance of masculinity disallowed me to fully embrace the style and movement quality to excel. I was stuck! I needed something to happen... something to help me get over this hurdle.  That 'something' came after I had already moved to the bright lights and feces-filled streets of New York City during a ballet class at Broadway Dance Center.  A light when off in my noggin as I watched this guy in class dance circles around me.  So I decided to try something drastic! I was going to mimic and basically make fun of this guy's dancing by exaggerating everything I'm doing!  I KNOW I KNOW... it sounds mean... but it wasn't like I was in cahoots with anyone trying to pick on this guy... This mockery was going on in my head...   from the outside, no one would know what I was doing. Stop judging me....   It worked!  Though I was making fun of this movement quality.... it actually allowed me to do it properly...or at least.. FULL OUT!! (I'm am not, nor will I ever be... a ballet technician.)  It was like for some reason,  if I was making fun of the movement, then I wasn't afraid of being made fun of for doing the movement.  As I kept using this "technique" as I like to think of it, it slowly became the way I danced.  I was no longer making fun of the movement, it now WAS my movement.  It allowed me relinquish my insecurities and bare my soul while I was dancing.   

So...  fast forward to these past two months of being unemployed.   

I've been taking a voice lesson every week since returning home... and am just in love with my voice teacher.  In this short period of weekly lessons I have noticed a drastic improvement in my voice... but once again... something is missing!  My teacher, D. Michael, was trying to get me to make a specific sound while moving my mouth in a way that I was just not comfortable doing.  I thought it made me look like I had a stroke...or Bell's Palsy! (both of which are no joking matter... unless it is really clever...  then you can joke about anything...  I mean, you're bound to offend someone... why not at least be funny?)  Once again, my insecurities were keeping me from improving, and growing!  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?   Watching D. Michael produce the sound, I got an idea....  basically because I was thinking how crazy he looked! I looked at him...  and with the utmost respect and delicacy said, "Um...  I'm going to try something....  I'm going to make fun of what you are doing...just go with it and don't punch me."   I could see a concerned look on his face...but who wouldn't have some reservations when someone looks them in the face and says they are going to make fun of them?  I guess Helen Keller wouldn't... she wouldn't even know you were looking her in the face... and honestly, would she really be teaching anyone voice lessons?  I highly doubt it.  Well, in the immortal words of Helen Keller....  "oooweralaeeeahhhhhrrrrr"  Anyhoo...  I took a deep breath....   and whilst mocking the mouth movement of my beloved mentor, I moved mine in an unfamiliar, and uncomfortable way. Guess what happened?   


I'll wait.


I did it!  I finally made the 'full and balanced' sound he has been trying to get me to make for the past year! It was such a wonderful feeling!  It was like a door had been cracked open a hair... A heavy as shit, lead-door that is going to take a lot more work to open wider... but open non-the-less!   

How I deal with my issues on a daily basis is my choice.  And I choose to fight them. I choose to find ways around them in order to open myself to growth as an artist, actor, singer, dancer, friend, lover, brother and son.  I owe it to myself to be the best I can be, and I will continue to do whatever I can to get out of my own way. If I have to find and use little tricks like 'making fun of something' to jump a personal hurdle... I'm going to do it!  I'm sick of being in my own way. 


May your insecurities melt away, and don't let anyone bring you down....  unless you're prone to having an inverted uterus... then you're screwed, and should always have on pantyhose.... just in case.


Especially if you like to jog.


Loving you.


Ven