The past couple of months of unemployment have been a roller coaster. There were some ups. There were some downs. There were some sharp lefts and some hard rights. There were some close calls, and some huge misses. There was one loopty-loo, three corkscrews, two homeless guys, a one-legged hooker, and a Croatian dwarf with halitosis and a port wine stain on his face. I took another on-camera class that was... fine. Nothing new... except the realization that on camera I look like a Picasso painting gone awry. I've recently been taking even greater measures to stay as svelte as possible so the camera can't add pounds to my face. This, however isn't stopping the camera from doing a first-rate job at highlighting the asymmetry of my features... and I'm not the hugest fan of asymmetry when it comes to MY FACE! I watch myself online when the videos are available and wonder why my left ear seems to be slipping closer and closer to my left shoulder. Does my shoulder have its own gravitational pull? I'm not wearing a heavy earring nor do I do a Carol Burnett impression enough to yank my lobe down a few inches so this is NOT OKAY! Any plastic surgeons out there who want to lift my spirits by lifting my ear? Anyone? I'll wait...
....
....
....
I guess not. Onward and upward...especially my left ear please.
So, one of the most important things that has happened to me since my last entry, which seems like last year... oh wait... it was last year, was taking Improv 101 at the Upright Citizens Brigade. Upright Citizens Brigade was first recommended by my friend Robin Levine, an extremely talented young woman who is pretty much on a similar journey thorough this crazy business of show that I am on, only a few steps ahead... I mean... she was already in level 2! As my Dad use to tell me, stolen from someone else I'm sure, "Look out for #1...but don't step in #2!" Well... I not only wanted to look out for openings in a Level 1 class...I wanted to dive head first into the comedic diarrhea that is inevitably going to be Level 2 and above... So... going in order, I signed up for Level 101! Look out Comedy Geniuses, you're going to get a new member in your ranks! Or so I hoped....and let me tell you... hoping doesn't make you funny. Sometimes hopping does, but mostly you just look like a schmuck.
For a few different reasons, I chose to take the four week session that meets 2 times a week instead of the regular 8 week session once a week 1.) What if I booked something and had to leave? I've had almost NO audtions, but I just knew that at any minute a job was going to be thrown my way that would whisk me away from my newly unleashed improvisational talents. That job never came. Bastards! 2.) What if I hated it? What if I signed up for an 8 week class, and each minute that passed I wanted to stick my balls in a meat grinder? I've been working out and eating right, so at least it would have been %95 lean ground Ven beef, but I'd rather have my scrote in tact and not throw away $325 bucks. 4 weeks of ground testicles seems less painful than 8. I know you agree. I just know. 3.) Can't think of a third reason.
There were 15 people in my class, and the teacher was this girl I had met two summers ago whilst I was on medical leave from tour for my second surgery on my left knee. We were both students in a 5-week musical theatre workshop at Actor's Connection. I recognized her face when she walked in the room and as she introduced herself I realized... I never learned her name in the 5 weeks we were in class together. Hmmmm.... kind of sad, but in my defense, she didn't have a name tag on, so it's her fault. Case closed. Anyhoo, the first class began, and thus started the next stage of my life and career which sounds ridiculous, I know, but it is the truth, damn it. I ain't lyin'! I am in an extremely fascinating time of my life where I am aware of how positively something can effect me if I allow it, and from the first moment of warming up in the room, I KNEW that this was going to be one of those experiences and skills that will forever change my life and the way I approach things. Let me explain...I like the word Dingleberry.
Just checking if you're listening.
Okay, first and foremost, the members of this class were so diverse. I mean, there weren't any little people... or tribesmen with those giant wooden plates stretching out their bottom lips. That would have been way too distracting for me for the first few classes, and I probably would have been kicked out for trying to pick up the little guys or trying to land loose change onto the wooden plates as if I was trying to win a giant, stuffed Beiber at the county fair. The majority of my classmates were a type of person that I don't get to spend much time with on a regular basis.... NON-actors, but more specifically, and importantly....they weren't in Musical Theatre. Yes, yes, there were a few of us who are attempting superstardom through song and dance, but most were regular 9 to 5ers who were intelligent AND funny. It was so refreshing to be surrounded by people who aren't always performing for an audience, whether they are on stage or not. Smart, witty, and supportive people all around.... I was like a pig in shit!
Our first class began with a basic name game warm-up where we all stand in a circle and one by one say our names, then do a physical motion whist making up a super hero name. (I'm not making this up.) I was about 5th in the circle... and I could feel my heart pulsating within my chest. I chose not to take a xanax, so I was completely at the whim of my body's fight or flight response.... and as it got closer to my turn, it felt like my heart was trying to fly out of any cavity of my body, not just my chest. My turn comes and I say "Ven," 'cause that's my name, and then I do my default physical gesture, which I HAVE NO IDEA HOW IT CAME TO BE! I did a deep, front-lunge and uttered, "lunger of the Gods." Yes people... once again, in front of a room full of strangers, I lunged! When the fuck did this start? I don't remember lunging this frequently in high school. College??? Nope.... wasn't known for lunging. How can a person who doesn't lunge on a regular basis, all of a sudden begin lunging when confronted with an uncomfortable situation? And more importantly... HOW THE HELL CAN I STOP? I haven't seen one audition posting that asks for a muscular male actor WHO LUNGES! This is something I must delve into deeper.... but not now. Basically, just know.... that for some reason I decided that the best way to introduce myself to a room full of strangers was by lunging (very nicely I might add) and saying I was a lunger of the fucking gods. This could be one of the reasons I am alone.
Moving along... Now that I have gone and lunged my introduction, the rest of the circle gets their chance to shine for the first time...and we're off to the races. Each class kept building on the other. Different games and exercises were explained, and with each one I allowed my guard to be chiseled down. Having grown up playing sports, I've always been a pretty competitive guy. However, it wasn't until a few years after moving to New York that I became very competitive with someone very close to me...myself. The more I wanted to succeed in this business, the harder I became on myself. It got to the point where I was unable to accept any weaknesses or flaw, and started pulling away from any challenge that required vulnerability. I was my own road block. Putting myself in situations where I could fall flat on my face, both figuratively and literally, fail miserably, embarrass myself, or just plain fuck up is one of the most difficult things for me to do. I have major problems performing in front of people without being fully rehearsed and perfected, and improv is... the EXACT opposite of being rehearsed and perfected. Somehow, I have allowed my desire for perfection to hinder my ability to be myself. I saw my flaws, and am currently working through still seeing them, as weakness instead of uniqueness. Because of the nature of this business, I have allowed myself to be put in a box that someone else has created for me. This improv class has reminded me that there is no box big enough, unique enough, or strong enough to hold me. I have been reminded that when I let my guard down, when I allow my insecurities to take a back seat to my instincts, when I stop trying to be something that others tell me I should be... I become my true self again. I become that innocent, imaginative, inquisitive, spontaneous, and joyful spirit I was back in the day when I didn't care about the judgements of others. When I stop judging myself and start allowing myself to be free, I become all the interesting things that make me special and unique. No one else is Me, no one else can be Me, and no one else can do a better Me than I can. Who am I NOT to allow my true being to shine? How dare I not allow myself to be vulnerable? This class was basically the catalyst to get me out of my own damn way! When I get out of my own way, take chances, and allow myself to fail and be imperfect, I open the door to growth and improvement. This class has given me the courage to be imperfect. The courage to be vulnerable. The courage to be me. The courage to say, "I am enough, and I am worthy of love, belonging, connection, success, and happiness."
May you all find courage.... and if not... I hope you are at least getting some oral.
LOVE LOVE LOVE
....
....
....
I guess not. Onward and upward...especially my left ear please.
So, one of the most important things that has happened to me since my last entry, which seems like last year... oh wait... it was last year, was taking Improv 101 at the Upright Citizens Brigade. Upright Citizens Brigade was first recommended by my friend Robin Levine, an extremely talented young woman who is pretty much on a similar journey thorough this crazy business of show that I am on, only a few steps ahead... I mean... she was already in level 2! As my Dad use to tell me, stolen from someone else I'm sure, "Look out for #1...but don't step in #2!" Well... I not only wanted to look out for openings in a Level 1 class...I wanted to dive head first into the comedic diarrhea that is inevitably going to be Level 2 and above... So... going in order, I signed up for Level 101! Look out Comedy Geniuses, you're going to get a new member in your ranks! Or so I hoped....and let me tell you... hoping doesn't make you funny. Sometimes hopping does, but mostly you just look like a schmuck.
For a few different reasons, I chose to take the four week session that meets 2 times a week instead of the regular 8 week session once a week 1.) What if I booked something and had to leave? I've had almost NO audtions, but I just knew that at any minute a job was going to be thrown my way that would whisk me away from my newly unleashed improvisational talents. That job never came. Bastards! 2.) What if I hated it? What if I signed up for an 8 week class, and each minute that passed I wanted to stick my balls in a meat grinder? I've been working out and eating right, so at least it would have been %95 lean ground Ven beef, but I'd rather have my scrote in tact and not throw away $325 bucks. 4 weeks of ground testicles seems less painful than 8. I know you agree. I just know. 3.) Can't think of a third reason.
There were 15 people in my class, and the teacher was this girl I had met two summers ago whilst I was on medical leave from tour for my second surgery on my left knee. We were both students in a 5-week musical theatre workshop at Actor's Connection. I recognized her face when she walked in the room and as she introduced herself I realized... I never learned her name in the 5 weeks we were in class together. Hmmmm.... kind of sad, but in my defense, she didn't have a name tag on, so it's her fault. Case closed. Anyhoo, the first class began, and thus started the next stage of my life and career which sounds ridiculous, I know, but it is the truth, damn it. I ain't lyin'! I am in an extremely fascinating time of my life where I am aware of how positively something can effect me if I allow it, and from the first moment of warming up in the room, I KNEW that this was going to be one of those experiences and skills that will forever change my life and the way I approach things. Let me explain...I like the word Dingleberry.
Just checking if you're listening.
Okay, first and foremost, the members of this class were so diverse. I mean, there weren't any little people... or tribesmen with those giant wooden plates stretching out their bottom lips. That would have been way too distracting for me for the first few classes, and I probably would have been kicked out for trying to pick up the little guys or trying to land loose change onto the wooden plates as if I was trying to win a giant, stuffed Beiber at the county fair. The majority of my classmates were a type of person that I don't get to spend much time with on a regular basis.... NON-actors, but more specifically, and importantly....they weren't in Musical Theatre. Yes, yes, there were a few of us who are attempting superstardom through song and dance, but most were regular 9 to 5ers who were intelligent AND funny. It was so refreshing to be surrounded by people who aren't always performing for an audience, whether they are on stage or not. Smart, witty, and supportive people all around.... I was like a pig in shit!
Our first class began with a basic name game warm-up where we all stand in a circle and one by one say our names, then do a physical motion whist making up a super hero name. (I'm not making this up.) I was about 5th in the circle... and I could feel my heart pulsating within my chest. I chose not to take a xanax, so I was completely at the whim of my body's fight or flight response.... and as it got closer to my turn, it felt like my heart was trying to fly out of any cavity of my body, not just my chest. My turn comes and I say "Ven," 'cause that's my name, and then I do my default physical gesture, which I HAVE NO IDEA HOW IT CAME TO BE! I did a deep, front-lunge and uttered, "lunger of the Gods." Yes people... once again, in front of a room full of strangers, I lunged! When the fuck did this start? I don't remember lunging this frequently in high school. College??? Nope.... wasn't known for lunging. How can a person who doesn't lunge on a regular basis, all of a sudden begin lunging when confronted with an uncomfortable situation? And more importantly... HOW THE HELL CAN I STOP? I haven't seen one audition posting that asks for a muscular male actor WHO LUNGES! This is something I must delve into deeper.... but not now. Basically, just know.... that for some reason I decided that the best way to introduce myself to a room full of strangers was by lunging (very nicely I might add) and saying I was a lunger of the fucking gods. This could be one of the reasons I am alone.
Moving along... Now that I have gone and lunged my introduction, the rest of the circle gets their chance to shine for the first time...and we're off to the races. Each class kept building on the other. Different games and exercises were explained, and with each one I allowed my guard to be chiseled down. Having grown up playing sports, I've always been a pretty competitive guy. However, it wasn't until a few years after moving to New York that I became very competitive with someone very close to me...myself. The more I wanted to succeed in this business, the harder I became on myself. It got to the point where I was unable to accept any weaknesses or flaw, and started pulling away from any challenge that required vulnerability. I was my own road block. Putting myself in situations where I could fall flat on my face, both figuratively and literally, fail miserably, embarrass myself, or just plain fuck up is one of the most difficult things for me to do. I have major problems performing in front of people without being fully rehearsed and perfected, and improv is... the EXACT opposite of being rehearsed and perfected. Somehow, I have allowed my desire for perfection to hinder my ability to be myself. I saw my flaws, and am currently working through still seeing them, as weakness instead of uniqueness. Because of the nature of this business, I have allowed myself to be put in a box that someone else has created for me. This improv class has reminded me that there is no box big enough, unique enough, or strong enough to hold me. I have been reminded that when I let my guard down, when I allow my insecurities to take a back seat to my instincts, when I stop trying to be something that others tell me I should be... I become my true self again. I become that innocent, imaginative, inquisitive, spontaneous, and joyful spirit I was back in the day when I didn't care about the judgements of others. When I stop judging myself and start allowing myself to be free, I become all the interesting things that make me special and unique. No one else is Me, no one else can be Me, and no one else can do a better Me than I can. Who am I NOT to allow my true being to shine? How dare I not allow myself to be vulnerable? This class was basically the catalyst to get me out of my own damn way! When I get out of my own way, take chances, and allow myself to fail and be imperfect, I open the door to growth and improvement. This class has given me the courage to be imperfect. The courage to be vulnerable. The courage to be me. The courage to say, "I am enough, and I am worthy of love, belonging, connection, success, and happiness."
May you all find courage.... and if not... I hope you are at least getting some oral.
LOVE LOVE LOVE
2 comments:
Your father was quoting Rodney Dangerfield. He apparently never had an original thought.
The whole part about the lunging made me crack up on my way to class. I'm sure I looked ridiculous. Perhaps you could be writer if the whole performing thing doesn't work out. But, as someone who's seen you on stage (Tarzan), you have the talent to back up your words.
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