On The Verge of a Nervous... Breakthrough.

There I was, 21 years after passing through the labia majora of the woman known as my mother, about to take my first ballet class.  I repeat....   Labia Majora.  I was wearing my newly purchased black tights, black leather ballet slippers, and a wife beater.  Having no idea what a dance belt was,  my ginger-minged pecker was also making his ballet debut whilst my scrotum, experiencing stage fright, thought it would be smart to hide betwixt my thighs...dangling (it was warm) in no man's land, which I later learned is the most dangerous place for your balls when dancing...  DUMB BALLS!  When class started I basically had no idea what the fuck was going on!  Plee-yay.... what?   Tom-bay.... who?   Glee-sahd... ummmmm, why isn't this shit in English?   The only French I know is Fry.   So not only am I greatly behind from starting to dance at age 21, I literally couldn't speak the language of ballet.  Add to that... my insecurities about looking like a total tool, a future in dance was not in the cards. "I couldn't possibly be seen moving like that...  I'll look like a tard!" probably passed from my lips at some point that year. I mean...  How could I put myself in a position to be laughed at and mocked like I, at the time, would have hilariously done to others?  HOW I ASK YOU????    I'll answer that... I didn't!  Two years go by... and though I am progressing rather quickly by mimicking the steps, my need to maintain some semblance of masculinity disallowed me to fully embrace the style and movement quality to excel. I was stuck! I needed something to happen... something to help me get over this hurdle.  That 'something' came after I had already moved to the bright lights and feces-filled streets of New York City during a ballet class at Broadway Dance Center.  A light when off in my noggin as I watched this guy in class dance circles around me.  So I decided to try something drastic! I was going to mimic and basically make fun of this guy's dancing by exaggerating everything I'm doing!  I KNOW I KNOW... it sounds mean... but it wasn't like I was in cahoots with anyone trying to pick on this guy... This mockery was going on in my head...   from the outside, no one would know what I was doing. Stop judging me....   It worked!  Though I was making fun of this movement quality.... it actually allowed me to do it properly...or at least.. FULL OUT!! (I'm am not, nor will I ever be... a ballet technician.)  It was like for some reason,  if I was making fun of the movement, then I wasn't afraid of being made fun of for doing the movement.  As I kept using this "technique" as I like to think of it, it slowly became the way I danced.  I was no longer making fun of the movement, it now WAS my movement.  It allowed me relinquish my insecurities and bare my soul while I was dancing.   

So...  fast forward to these past two months of being unemployed.   

I've been taking a voice lesson every week since returning home... and am just in love with my voice teacher.  In this short period of weekly lessons I have noticed a drastic improvement in my voice... but once again... something is missing!  My teacher, D. Michael, was trying to get me to make a specific sound while moving my mouth in a way that I was just not comfortable doing.  I thought it made me look like I had a stroke...or Bell's Palsy! (both of which are no joking matter... unless it is really clever...  then you can joke about anything...  I mean, you're bound to offend someone... why not at least be funny?)  Once again, my insecurities were keeping me from improving, and growing!  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?   Watching D. Michael produce the sound, I got an idea....  basically because I was thinking how crazy he looked! I looked at him...  and with the utmost respect and delicacy said, "Um...  I'm going to try something....  I'm going to make fun of what you are doing...just go with it and don't punch me."   I could see a concerned look on his face...but who wouldn't have some reservations when someone looks them in the face and says they are going to make fun of them?  I guess Helen Keller wouldn't... she wouldn't even know you were looking her in the face... and honestly, would she really be teaching anyone voice lessons?  I highly doubt it.  Well, in the immortal words of Helen Keller....  "oooweralaeeeahhhhhrrrrr"  Anyhoo...  I took a deep breath....   and whilst mocking the mouth movement of my beloved mentor, I moved mine in an unfamiliar, and uncomfortable way. Guess what happened?   


I'll wait.


I did it!  I finally made the 'full and balanced' sound he has been trying to get me to make for the past year! It was such a wonderful feeling!  It was like a door had been cracked open a hair... A heavy as shit, lead-door that is going to take a lot more work to open wider... but open non-the-less!   

How I deal with my issues on a daily basis is my choice.  And I choose to fight them. I choose to find ways around them in order to open myself to growth as an artist, actor, singer, dancer, friend, lover, brother and son.  I owe it to myself to be the best I can be, and I will continue to do whatever I can to get out of my own way. If I have to find and use little tricks like 'making fun of something' to jump a personal hurdle... I'm going to do it!  I'm sick of being in my own way. 


May your insecurities melt away, and don't let anyone bring you down....  unless you're prone to having an inverted uterus... then you're screwed, and should always have on pantyhose.... just in case.


Especially if you like to jog.


Loving you.


Ven

Net-working My Nerves.

Networking.   My dear sweet Networking.   You are forever in my mind, teasing me with endless possibilities of job opportunities.  Oh how so many have mastered you, making you their slaves.... while others sit on the outskirts of your love... looking in like an fat kid staring through the window of candy store.  Networking.....    YOU SUCK MY BALLS!

In every business you hear of the importance of networking.  Putting yourself out there, and making connections with people, all with the understanding that at some point in the future, that connection might work in your favor.  Since this is Show Business,  this definitely applies to actors as well. But for some reason I have the hardest time with this aspect of the business.  There is something about consciously socializing with people for the sake of self promotion that seems so insincere and awkward to me.  I have NO problem having a good time, a drink, a flirt, and a random sexcapade in the bathroom of Medieval Times.  That shit is easy!  I can just be my charming, toilet-humor obsessed self...  asking new friends to pull my finger... and hoping that I don't disqualify and shart in my pants...again.  (This happens a few times a year.)   But when socializing with the likes of casting directors, directors, producers, writers, choreographers.... etc...   I just can't be myself.   And not being myself....  is not okay.  

I am bothered by my inability to feel comfortable kibbitzing (shooting the shit...for those who aren't familiar with Yiddish) with the big whigs, and have spent many an hour awake in bed pondering this problem.  I mean, come on....  I'm fucking hysterical!  I can burp on command, retell stories in intricate detail about my bowel movements, and openly discuss the extraction of cysts from my abdomen...I mean who wouldn't find me an absolute joy to chat with?  All kidding aside...  I love farting.    Anyway, back to Networking.  I tend to bring things up in conversation when I am working through an issue, so, many  times this past week I have brought up the subject of my Networking block with unsuspecting, unqualified, and virtually uninterested people.... and here is what I have come up with.    

1.  It's a power thing.    I want/need something from these people... therefore, I actually CARE if I say the wrong thing, piss them off, offend them, or overstep my bounds in some way.  Normally,   it's just not that deep.  

2.  I feel that these people are not my peers...and that changes how I speak to them.  Because I have not yet written, directed, choreographed or produced a show, we just aren't on the same professional level. I've never been on their side of the table at an audition.  I feel that it is plausible that at some point in a conversation they can say that I am being inappropriate (WHICH HAPPENS...  Some comic opportunities are too good to pass up).... But because I don't think we are peers, my normal response to someone telling me I was being inappropriate is well....  completely inappropriate.   That response, handed down to me from my father is.... "well you can go Fuck Yourself."  That poses a problem when Networking, don't ya think?

3.  I need to create something!  I need do something that will change my perception of where I fall on the ladder! 

4.  I have to take a dump.   This has nothing to do with Networking....but i ate an entire box of Cheez-Its.  NOT RECOMMENDED.

5.  I need my balls to drop again.  Somehow, in the past few years, I've lost my balls, they have shrunk and slowly crawled up into my body, hiding.  I now, hold my tongue and let things go.  ME...  holding my tongue!?!?   My guess is that anyone who knew me 8 or more years ago would be surprised to hear that...  and surprised to hear that I don't say what is on my mind.... ALL the time.  Somewhere along the line I grew a....  i am having trouble typing this word...   somehow, in the past years, I grew a...  Filter.  Yeah... that was hard for me, suck it.  However, I have noticed that I am making a turn in the right direction and slowly tearing my re-grown verbal hyman and finding my voice again.   Maybe this is what I need to find success in the Networking world.....  a broken hyman and a poop joke.  I'll let you know how that works out for me.

------------Time Lapse------------Took a Shower-------------

I just had a bit of an epiphany whilst washing my kibbles and bits in the shower. I was delicately caressing the lining of my sac when it hit me...I haven't had someone else touch my balls in a while.  And then I realized...  I might not be as bad at Networking as I think I am.  I just have to redefine it,  or change my view on what Networking is.   I have this idea that Networking is a bad word....  and even after this epiphany... the word makes me vomit in my mouth a bit...and let me tell you.... Split Pea soup isn't as good the second time...especially if there are bacon chunks.  It's a word that I have allowed to become synonymous with insincerity, shameless self-promotion, ass kissing, etc....   But since I have returned from tour I have been more social than I have been in the past 10 years of my life.  About once a week, we have a Legally Blonde Boys night where the boys get together for drinks and just hang out... We talk about life, work....  and sex.  (I guess that covers the basics right?)  This is one of the highlights of my week.   It's hanging out with my friends, but since these guys are in the business, I could technically call it Networking.  They are all working  or working on getting jobs.  Just because none of them are casting directors, directors and such doesn't mean that they won't have some connections in the future.  If THIS is networking, then I can do this!   I'm going because I love spending time with these guys, not because I want anything from them other than their friendship.  

Maybe I'm being too hard on myself as usual.  I have allowed myself to believe that I have to seek out people with influence for it to be considered Networking.   If I just keep being social (which is sometimes a struggle for me) and having a good time with my friends, I'm bound to socialize with someone in the "you make me socially awkward" category... and in an environment where I am comfortable and just there to hang out and have a good time...  I know I can be myself!  

Sometimes things just start making sense when I write things out.

Sometimes I need to remind myself that I am human and allowed to make mistakes and have flaws.

Sometimes I pee sitting down.  

Sometimes I just smile cause I'm alive.

Right now is one of those times.  

Everything is going to work out!

Ven