On The Verge of a Nervous... Breakthrough.

There I was, 21 years after passing through the labia majora of the woman known as my mother, about to take my first ballet class.  I repeat....   Labia Majora.  I was wearing my newly purchased black tights, black leather ballet slippers, and a wife beater.  Having no idea what a dance belt was,  my ginger-minged pecker was also making his ballet debut whilst my scrotum, experiencing stage fright, thought it would be smart to hide betwixt my thighs...dangling (it was warm) in no man's land, which I later learned is the most dangerous place for your balls when dancing...  DUMB BALLS!  When class started I basically had no idea what the fuck was going on!  Plee-yay.... what?   Tom-bay.... who?   Glee-sahd... ummmmm, why isn't this shit in English?   The only French I know is Fry.   So not only am I greatly behind from starting to dance at age 21, I literally couldn't speak the language of ballet.  Add to that... my insecurities about looking like a total tool, a future in dance was not in the cards. "I couldn't possibly be seen moving like that...  I'll look like a tard!" probably passed from my lips at some point that year. I mean...  How could I put myself in a position to be laughed at and mocked like I, at the time, would have hilariously done to others?  HOW I ASK YOU????    I'll answer that... I didn't!  Two years go by... and though I am progressing rather quickly by mimicking the steps, my need to maintain some semblance of masculinity disallowed me to fully embrace the style and movement quality to excel. I was stuck! I needed something to happen... something to help me get over this hurdle.  That 'something' came after I had already moved to the bright lights and feces-filled streets of New York City during a ballet class at Broadway Dance Center.  A light when off in my noggin as I watched this guy in class dance circles around me.  So I decided to try something drastic! I was going to mimic and basically make fun of this guy's dancing by exaggerating everything I'm doing!  I KNOW I KNOW... it sounds mean... but it wasn't like I was in cahoots with anyone trying to pick on this guy... This mockery was going on in my head...   from the outside, no one would know what I was doing. Stop judging me....   It worked!  Though I was making fun of this movement quality.... it actually allowed me to do it properly...or at least.. FULL OUT!! (I'm am not, nor will I ever be... a ballet technician.)  It was like for some reason,  if I was making fun of the movement, then I wasn't afraid of being made fun of for doing the movement.  As I kept using this "technique" as I like to think of it, it slowly became the way I danced.  I was no longer making fun of the movement, it now WAS my movement.  It allowed me relinquish my insecurities and bare my soul while I was dancing.   

So...  fast forward to these past two months of being unemployed.   

I've been taking a voice lesson every week since returning home... and am just in love with my voice teacher.  In this short period of weekly lessons I have noticed a drastic improvement in my voice... but once again... something is missing!  My teacher, D. Michael, was trying to get me to make a specific sound while moving my mouth in a way that I was just not comfortable doing.  I thought it made me look like I had a stroke...or Bell's Palsy! (both of which are no joking matter... unless it is really clever...  then you can joke about anything...  I mean, you're bound to offend someone... why not at least be funny?)  Once again, my insecurities were keeping me from improving, and growing!  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?   Watching D. Michael produce the sound, I got an idea....  basically because I was thinking how crazy he looked! I looked at him...  and with the utmost respect and delicacy said, "Um...  I'm going to try something....  I'm going to make fun of what you are doing...just go with it and don't punch me."   I could see a concerned look on his face...but who wouldn't have some reservations when someone looks them in the face and says they are going to make fun of them?  I guess Helen Keller wouldn't... she wouldn't even know you were looking her in the face... and honestly, would she really be teaching anyone voice lessons?  I highly doubt it.  Well, in the immortal words of Helen Keller....  "oooweralaeeeahhhhhrrrrr"  Anyhoo...  I took a deep breath....   and whilst mocking the mouth movement of my beloved mentor, I moved mine in an unfamiliar, and uncomfortable way. Guess what happened?   


I'll wait.


I did it!  I finally made the 'full and balanced' sound he has been trying to get me to make for the past year! It was such a wonderful feeling!  It was like a door had been cracked open a hair... A heavy as shit, lead-door that is going to take a lot more work to open wider... but open non-the-less!   

How I deal with my issues on a daily basis is my choice.  And I choose to fight them. I choose to find ways around them in order to open myself to growth as an artist, actor, singer, dancer, friend, lover, brother and son.  I owe it to myself to be the best I can be, and I will continue to do whatever I can to get out of my own way. If I have to find and use little tricks like 'making fun of something' to jump a personal hurdle... I'm going to do it!  I'm sick of being in my own way. 


May your insecurities melt away, and don't let anyone bring you down....  unless you're prone to having an inverted uterus... then you're screwed, and should always have on pantyhose.... just in case.


Especially if you like to jog.


Loving you.


Ven

Net-working My Nerves.

Networking.   My dear sweet Networking.   You are forever in my mind, teasing me with endless possibilities of job opportunities.  Oh how so many have mastered you, making you their slaves.... while others sit on the outskirts of your love... looking in like an fat kid staring through the window of candy store.  Networking.....    YOU SUCK MY BALLS!

In every business you hear of the importance of networking.  Putting yourself out there, and making connections with people, all with the understanding that at some point in the future, that connection might work in your favor.  Since this is Show Business,  this definitely applies to actors as well. But for some reason I have the hardest time with this aspect of the business.  There is something about consciously socializing with people for the sake of self promotion that seems so insincere and awkward to me.  I have NO problem having a good time, a drink, a flirt, and a random sexcapade in the bathroom of Medieval Times.  That shit is easy!  I can just be my charming, toilet-humor obsessed self...  asking new friends to pull my finger... and hoping that I don't disqualify and shart in my pants...again.  (This happens a few times a year.)   But when socializing with the likes of casting directors, directors, producers, writers, choreographers.... etc...   I just can't be myself.   And not being myself....  is not okay.  

I am bothered by my inability to feel comfortable kibbitzing (shooting the shit...for those who aren't familiar with Yiddish) with the big whigs, and have spent many an hour awake in bed pondering this problem.  I mean, come on....  I'm fucking hysterical!  I can burp on command, retell stories in intricate detail about my bowel movements, and openly discuss the extraction of cysts from my abdomen...I mean who wouldn't find me an absolute joy to chat with?  All kidding aside...  I love farting.    Anyway, back to Networking.  I tend to bring things up in conversation when I am working through an issue, so, many  times this past week I have brought up the subject of my Networking block with unsuspecting, unqualified, and virtually uninterested people.... and here is what I have come up with.    

1.  It's a power thing.    I want/need something from these people... therefore, I actually CARE if I say the wrong thing, piss them off, offend them, or overstep my bounds in some way.  Normally,   it's just not that deep.  

2.  I feel that these people are not my peers...and that changes how I speak to them.  Because I have not yet written, directed, choreographed or produced a show, we just aren't on the same professional level. I've never been on their side of the table at an audition.  I feel that it is plausible that at some point in a conversation they can say that I am being inappropriate (WHICH HAPPENS...  Some comic opportunities are too good to pass up).... But because I don't think we are peers, my normal response to someone telling me I was being inappropriate is well....  completely inappropriate.   That response, handed down to me from my father is.... "well you can go Fuck Yourself."  That poses a problem when Networking, don't ya think?

3.  I need to create something!  I need do something that will change my perception of where I fall on the ladder! 

4.  I have to take a dump.   This has nothing to do with Networking....but i ate an entire box of Cheez-Its.  NOT RECOMMENDED.

5.  I need my balls to drop again.  Somehow, in the past few years, I've lost my balls, they have shrunk and slowly crawled up into my body, hiding.  I now, hold my tongue and let things go.  ME...  holding my tongue!?!?   My guess is that anyone who knew me 8 or more years ago would be surprised to hear that...  and surprised to hear that I don't say what is on my mind.... ALL the time.  Somewhere along the line I grew a....  i am having trouble typing this word...   somehow, in the past years, I grew a...  Filter.  Yeah... that was hard for me, suck it.  However, I have noticed that I am making a turn in the right direction and slowly tearing my re-grown verbal hyman and finding my voice again.   Maybe this is what I need to find success in the Networking world.....  a broken hyman and a poop joke.  I'll let you know how that works out for me.

------------Time Lapse------------Took a Shower-------------

I just had a bit of an epiphany whilst washing my kibbles and bits in the shower. I was delicately caressing the lining of my sac when it hit me...I haven't had someone else touch my balls in a while.  And then I realized...  I might not be as bad at Networking as I think I am.  I just have to redefine it,  or change my view on what Networking is.   I have this idea that Networking is a bad word....  and even after this epiphany... the word makes me vomit in my mouth a bit...and let me tell you.... Split Pea soup isn't as good the second time...especially if there are bacon chunks.  It's a word that I have allowed to become synonymous with insincerity, shameless self-promotion, ass kissing, etc....   But since I have returned from tour I have been more social than I have been in the past 10 years of my life.  About once a week, we have a Legally Blonde Boys night where the boys get together for drinks and just hang out... We talk about life, work....  and sex.  (I guess that covers the basics right?)  This is one of the highlights of my week.   It's hanging out with my friends, but since these guys are in the business, I could technically call it Networking.  They are all working  or working on getting jobs.  Just because none of them are casting directors, directors and such doesn't mean that they won't have some connections in the future.  If THIS is networking, then I can do this!   I'm going because I love spending time with these guys, not because I want anything from them other than their friendship.  

Maybe I'm being too hard on myself as usual.  I have allowed myself to believe that I have to seek out people with influence for it to be considered Networking.   If I just keep being social (which is sometimes a struggle for me) and having a good time with my friends, I'm bound to socialize with someone in the "you make me socially awkward" category... and in an environment where I am comfortable and just there to hang out and have a good time...  I know I can be myself!  

Sometimes things just start making sense when I write things out.

Sometimes I need to remind myself that I am human and allowed to make mistakes and have flaws.

Sometimes I pee sitting down.  

Sometimes I just smile cause I'm alive.

Right now is one of those times.  

Everything is going to work out!

Ven

Big Mushroom Head...shots.

A short list of Things I Hate Doing:    

Throwing up

Murdering bunnies

Burning my taint on a waffle iron

Getting an STD

Eating Gefilte Fish

Fellating a Grizzy Bear

Slipping in a homeless man's feces

Having to pretend I don't notice you're a little person

Auditioning

and the point of this entry.....      

Picking a headshot!   

This past week I had headshots taken by two separate, talented photographers.  "Why did you have two photographers take your headshots" you might ask? Well...   let me explain!  Stop pestering me....DAD!  After showing my current headshots to my at-the-time, hopefully new agent, he, with the utmost delicacy....immediately suggested new ones.  The one where my hand is on the temple of my head, and I am SERVING IT UP with "eye"-tensity, yes...that one... the one that everyone says my eyes look really intense and other very complimentary things... HE HATED.  And he thought the other two shots were not going to help my fight to change my dancer-boy image to...well,   NOT a dancer-boy image. I agreed.  At that point I would have agreed to manipulate my scrotum and penis into the shape of a cheeseburger just to have him represent me, but luckily I didn't have to...  even though I've seen it online and can TOTALLY do it!   Anyhoo... He wanted me to get some "leading man, edgy" headshots and suggested I use this one photographer. So....  I call and make an appointment with this guy (which in itself is a big step for my procrastinating ass),  we meet...  completely enjoy each other's company (easily one of the nicest people I have ever met)... and schedule a day and time to take some glorious headshots that are going to make me a shining star.  So...  that is one photographer scheduled.. NEXT...   

A month or so before I left tour,  a friend of mine was talking to a friend of his (are you following all this???)  and somehow it came up that he was interested in photographing me...pro bono.  Not Sonny Bono...  or the new Chaz Bono...  but pro bono.   WELL!!!    Someone wants to take picture of me and I don't have to pay them???  I'm IN!!!  After another miraculous show of NOT procrastinating we wound up meeting,   totally hit it off, and scheduled a day to make magic....  a day that happened to be THE DAY BEFORE the other photo shoot.   Sooooo....   a week later... I have two photo shoots in two days...    

Photo shoot day one....    I arrive.   Pull out my clothes and hang them up. Pick out an outfit. We walk around Hells Kitchen, mostly 46th-50th Street between 9th and 10th Aves...  find some cool colors, areas,... take some shots....  change some clothes right there on the street...   take some shots...   pretend I'm Tyra Banks (we have the same forehead!).... head back to his apartment... change some clothes...  take some shots....  take off some clothing (I DONT DO NUDES... yet) and arrange the always loved Top Lighting...  take some shots in a speedo inside the studio in his apartment...  and finish with some more....   shots.   495+ shots in a few hours.   End of the day...Great time had by all!  All pics available online to peruse the next day. 

Photo shoot day two...  I get to the photographer's apartment, which is only like 8 blocks south and 2 blocks west of the first photographers (close...but in NYC, even one block can make a big difference!)....  The photographer made magic with the clothes that I brought.... and even lent me an undershirt and tie!  This guy could possibly be one of the nicest people in New York!  I brought some preppy, vibrantly-colored sweaters that I thought would pop in pictures...  and I WAS RIGHT by the way! However...  I should have purchased and brought that Hugo Boss slim-fit shirt and black tie that I really wanted to be photographed in, but I couldn't get myself to fork out the money for it....  I should have just done it!  DAMN!   UGH...  Sometimes I just irritate myself so much! Now, since I wasn't in my uniform, a t-shirt and jeans combo that I always wear,  I was already a touch out of my element.  We leave the apartment and start going around a 5 block area, which was not the most comfortable environment for me. (Highly populated, lot of traffic, dirty, and the people who were nearby scared me....  I felt at any minute I was going to be called a faggot or something, which doesn't happen normally, but happened the last time I got headshots taken, so I knew it was a possibility...i guess there is something inherently gay about a man getting pictures taken,  who knew?)... So I sit on the dirty floor, take some shots....   walk around....  take some more shots sitting on the dirty pavement....  we run from a crazy, angry homeless man...    go back to apartment for outfit number 2....  same thing outside...at one point some woman in her car opened her window and asked us to remove a pigeon stuck on the hood of her car....  we declined.  I ain't touching a fuckin' pigeon.. HELL NO!   Back to apartment for outfit number 3....  then...  more of same thing outside. I've learned that I find it almost impossible to give you "leading-man edgy" whilst sitting flat-assed on a dirty city sidewalk, in preppy and brightly-colored sweaters, looking up at a camera. I know for next time! I couldn't even fake it.   By the end of the third outfit... I'm just done.  I realized after the shoot that I should have said something about how I was feeling... but at the time I felt like I was paying this photographer for his specific "artistic eye" and that it would be rude to not do what he suggested.  I still feel like that!  I mean... this is an amazing person, recommended to be by my newly signed agent (WOO HOO!!!!!!!  I have a new agent!) who has taken some amazing headshots for actors, and I felt like it was just my issues with the environment that I needed to get over and rise above.  WHICH I DIDN'T! I was so uncomfortable that I passed on a 4th outfit opportunity. Who does that?  ME apparently! The thought of having to put on another "leading-man, edgy" outfit and sit on the filthy floor of the concrete jungle one more time was stressing me out. I also felt so bad because I must have been soooo boring to take pictures of.  Yes... I actually felt bad because of how poorly I was performing.  I still get bothered at how passive I was just writing about it.  Okay okay ...  the point of this is not the shoot itself...  it is how I react to seeing picture of me!   So... let's move on.  

I get the link to all the pics from the first shoot... and a disc of all the shots from the second shoot.  Now the trauma really begins!  I look at pictures of myself and wonder which one of my chromosomes is missing!  I go through the shots... and basically.... I'm a mutant!  My ears are uneven, one eye has more lid than the other so it looks like I'm stoned... IN ONE EYE!   My upper lip isn't symmetrical so I sometimes look like the Joker from Batman....   My teeth sometimes look Giant... and my smile sometimes look so fake that I want to punch myself in the face.  My hairline is always the first thing I see.  And basically, how much I like a picture is directly related to how thick I think my hair looks.   I have learned that the only way I will like a picture of me.... is by being able to find the least things wrong with it.   Apparently...  I will only like a picture of me... if I can look at it and not throw up in my mouth.  I have become the kind of person who can only appreciate a picture of me where I look attractive...like this is the only thing that is important about me.  This isn't a good thing when trying to find a headshot.  People say that a headshot should have personality... I HAVE personality!  I got tons of that shit!  I got personality oozing out of my urethra...  Oh wait!  I better get that checked.  Where was I? Oh yeah... I am only comfortable with pictures of me if they are attractive and free from flaws (unless I am deliberately trying to look unattractive... then its okay...  that's COMEDY!)....  WELL.... I am full of flaws... and they are all I see when I look in the mirror or at pictures, so I am having a horrible time picking shots! I have asked a bunch of people to help me pick my new headshots...   and let's just say, if I had the choice between using some of the headshots people liked and sticking rusty, barbed wire in my pee hole,  I'd be needing a tetanus shot and some Spackle! 

So what is the point of this whole blog?  I guess a couple of things.  ONE....  I need to grow a pair of balls the next time I get headshots taken.  If there was ever a photographer  I could have expressed my concerns to, it was this one! So the next time,  I'm speaking up!   TWO... I have to learn to be objective when looking at pictures of myself.  My friend Lucia Spina really helped me look at my shots from a different angle, and helped me see that I don't have to look perfect for it to be a great headshot.  Looking my best might just be when I just look like me, imperfections and all!  A picture of me is just that... a picture.  And if I am picking a shot that is not fully representing me... then I'm doing myself a disservice....   Oh who the fuck am I kidding? I know that won't ever go away completely!  But I do know that I can't be perfect no matter how hard I try.   Maybe I can just focus on not being so hard on myself. Baby Steps people!  Rome wasn't built in a day!  

Some of my favorites.... though may not be great headshots!  

That last shot is white because of lighting!  Yes,  I'm very pale... but come on!  I'm not an albino... but I love the shot!   

I hope you are not as hard on yourselves as I am on myself...  but if you are,  know you are not alone.  But i think we can work through this with time. 

Oh...  one more thing I hate doing:    Giving an enema to Elaine Stritch.

Love Love Love

Ven

Bombs Away

So....    I bombed my first audition.  No... I'm not exaggerating....   I forgot the words to my song.  Yes...  there I was....   with a perfect song choice for the role I was auditioning for (A Light in the Dark from Next to Normal)  I start singing my song....   feeling good and connected, a true song bird resonating with such finesse...  when I hear something...   what is that???   Who is talking to me??  OH...  its ME! I hear my own voice in my head say, "Are you looking above the heads of the auditioners so I don't make them uncomfortable by looking directly at them like you've heard a million times??...  yeah..  check!"  AWESOME!!!  I'm gonna book this shit!!!!    Then I hear me again.... "do these people think I look like a crazy person deliberately looking over their heads, trying not to make eye contact???"  Just keep focusing above them!!   The next think I know I'm thinking, "hmmmm,  I wonder why this part of the music doesn't sound familiar!? Damn, the people they hire to play the piano at these things really sucks my balls...  "  .... followed by, "OH SHIT!!!!   ITS ME!!!  I FUCKED UP!!!!   I skipped to a differnt part of the song!!!"   I tried as hard as I could to use my telepathic powers to direct the pianist to the section of the song I skipped to,  but I must have lost those powers in the war.  So I did the only thing I could do.   I  said, out loud, to the people I'm trying to get to hire me....   "I have NO IDEA where I am in this song!"  and then did a sensible Deep Lunge and put my hands on my hips...   cause nothing shows confidence like a man in a pair of gorgeous grey slacks, perfectly fitted light blue dress shirt, and pink and blue tie in a half-windsor knot,   like a hands-on-hip deep lunge!   Surprsingly, the auditioners were very nice...   even saying how much they were enjoying it up to that point.... (i want to believe they were telling the truth...but doubt it!) I sauntered over to the pianist.... thanked him for trying to help me out even though it was futile (and apologized on my inside for initially blaming it on him)...  and asked him to pick it up from a part toward the end and then addressed the creative team by saying, "So... I'm just gonna start from the end and BRING IT HOME!"  (who am I, Ethel Fuckin' Merman?)   I finished singing my song.... and then went to get my stuff and started to walk out... when they asked me to read the 2nd scene of the 2 that they gave me...  SO..... that would be the second time in 3 minutes where I DEFEATED MYSELF!  I read the sides with some guy sitting in a chair in the corner, cause that is a real theatrical environment,  and was finally allowed to leave the room with my tail betwixt my legs.
I HATE AUDITIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   I fucking hate them!   I spent the past week working on a song that I was given from the show, specifically for that audition...   and was only asked to sing my own song.  Yes, I was told to have my own song....   but....   I was prepared to sing YOUR song!   WHAT THE FUCK!!!!????   I am accepting total responsibility, but it is still irritating!  I should have been more prepared with my own song....   but I just assumed I would be able to pop that shit out....  I WAS WRONG!   I need to be more on top of this..  I need to make sure that I am able to perform my audition songs at the drop of the hat!  Right now, I am unable to do this.

So here's my plan.

Watch some porn.

THEN....   I am going to rent rehearsal space at a studio in the city...   and prepare each song in my book that I plan on using at some point in an audition as if it is a finished, onstage performance.   I did this with two auditions before and booked them both!   I am completely aware at my current inability to just go into a random room in a random studio, in front of random people, and just let my instincts book me a job.   NOPE.. NOT GONNA HAPPEN!   I need to have it mapped out... I need to have it choreographed.... directed... whatever!!! I just need it to feel like a finished product.   I can't just walk in there and make magic...  but I know I can make magic when I'm on stage! (and having sex.... wanna see?)  So I have to prepare my audition material as if it is going to be performed ON STAGE!  I am going to make sure this recent audition experience never happens again!  I was so disappointed in myself....  I let myself down by not being prepared in the way I need to be prepared.   I was so saddened by my showing that the only thing I could do the rest of the day was go home... order a large pizza, eat the whole thing,  eat a bag of peanut M&Ms, and sulk.  

But, since I'm a man with a goal....   I must find the positive!

The positives:

ONE:   I'm still able to eat a whole large pizza by myself! HOLLA!!!!!  Gluttons UNITE!!!  WOO HOO!

TWO:  It can only get better from here,   RIGHT?  I mean... unless I take a giant turd in my pantalones vaqueros during an audition... It can't get much worse!

and C:    I know what needs to be done!   and I can do it!!!!  

Also...   a friend of mine told me a trick one of his friends does before his auditions.  He goes to the bathroom and gets himself a chubby before walking into the room.   He said it gives him a little more mojo....  so....  hey.. I'm gonna try it.  Nothing like spanking it a bit before singing a musical theatre standard, and anything that gets my hands on my dong is okay by me!

LOVE LOVE LOVE

I still can't believe I did a deep lunge in front of people I want to cast me.

Ven

Judge and Jury

A long long time ago,  in a city far far away, there was a little boy.   A little redheaded boy with the longest lashes....  and giant teeth that he hadn’t quite grown into yet.  An innocent boy yet to be destroyed by the evil forces of judgement.  That boy.... was me.  

We all have moments in our lives where we judge. At least, for purposes of this entry, I am going to say ‘ALL.’  We judge others, we judge ourselves, we judge ... Judy. If we were able to read the minds of others, I think it would be nearly impossible to find a human who hasn’t judged someone else.  If you are one of those people who are able to read minds,  please,  leave a comment at the end of this cause I would love to hear from you....  and then probably judge you as being crazy.  Sorry about it... just being honest. 

Now, I say I was destroyed by the evil forces of judgement, but I want to be clear that in addition to having at times been emotionally wrecked from judgement weighed uponst me (‘uponst’ just sounds more regal)....  I am speaking specifically about how my judgement on others has destroyed me and  my ability to enjoy theatrical events and performances.  Somewhere in my life a switch was made.   I went from someone who could get lost in the world of a musical, enjoying my time being taken on a jaunt riding a Showboat through a mystical land called Brigadoon (which only comes around once every hundred years), whilst Defying Gravity with People who need People....   to a jaded theatre critic.  When and how did this start?  When will it end?  How can I change this?  

The first professional show I saw was Miss Saigon at the Broward Center for the Performing Arts starring.....   no one famous.  I was at the edge of my seat the entire show....  which probably irritated the people in the row in front of me....   but fuck them...THERE WAS A HELICOPTER ON THE STAGE, what did they expect?  My friend Jill and I sang the entire soundtra.....pardon me you theater snobs... Cast Recording everyday in her car, acting out the important parts with our arms....since that is how you “act” before you have any training....and having recently watched a bootleg of a show I was in....after training as well! At no point during the performance did I turn to my friend and make some douche-bag comment about the talent of the actors on stage, or my disagreement of their “choices,” or lack there of.

Fast Forward to college.   There I am, a freshman at New World School of the Arts....I repeat... a FRESHMAN....  watching a fellow classmate mutilating a scene in one of our weekly assignments theoretically meant to teach us skills to later be used in our future profession.  After her attempt at ‘playing an action’ the rest of the class took turns doing something that I have  never, in my 10 years of working in this business done.   We openly critiqued and discussed this person’s work IN FRONT OF HER.  We were basically given permission to either (uncommonly) praise or.....  more importantly and unfortunately NOT praise our classmate’s work.  So, basically, one of the main things I learned was how to watch another actor’s work specifically for the purpose of picking it apart, looking for what was wrong, and thinking how “I,” the all-knowing expert of all acting, would do it.  I don’t remember having any problem with this as a Freshman.... or... well,  until a few years ago.   Then, once again, something changed.  I’m an ever-changing kind of guy!  What can I say?  

At some point in the last, however many years, I became highly irritated with how judgmental I was.  I was no longer able to go see a broadway show without feeling like I was back in my freshman class at school waiting my turn to critique the shit out it.   Let me remind you.... I was WATCHING the broadway show....which usually means that I was NOT IN ONE at the time! Who the fuck was I?  Who did I think I was?   I’ll tell you,  from the perspective of me now.... I was an insecure asshole, ridden with self-entitlement, trying my hardest to feel better about myself by bringing other’s down.  Now, I’m not saying that my critiques about shows and performances weren’t spot on, well thought out, intelligently composed, articulate, and New York Times worthy... but the fact that I had these negative things spewing out of me unsolicited, said much more about myself then the work itself.  There I was.... focusing on the bad.  Focusing on the bad so much, that I found myself looking for it.  And when you are spending so much time during a performance looking for the bad, you’re bound to miss all the good.  Well that’s just not fair to anyone!  Is is possible to change a habit so deeply ingrained in your brain? As funny as I sometimes think I can be, the gales of laughter coming from my fellow listeners couldn’t drown out the sound of my insecurity and guilt pulsing through my veins. This must end!

Introduce:  Leslie McDonel.  To go into detail of how inspirational this fine actress is would take an entire entry of its own, so I will just say....I am blessed to have met this person.  So, in keeping with this entry, one day when having a talk with this angel of amazing-ness she said one of many enlightening things that have resonated within my loins.  “The best learn from the best.”  I think the context of the conversation was about taking a class or finding a voice teacher.... or something,  but in the past 2 years since meeting Leslie, I have taken that one saying and applied it to my judgement issues.  Now, I am sure I could argue that just saying someone is “the best” implies judging that other’s aren’t as good, but I am choosing to use it as a positive tool. A tool to look for the best in people.  I am constantly looking to improve and learn, and now, having adopted this, i guess you could call it a philosophy, I am moving, ever so slowly, toward looking for the best in people.... as an attempt to learn from them and grow. And  I think it is working. 

The other night, I got two free tickets to see the broadway show In The Heights.  I had a great time, and loved the show!  There were a few times where, yes, I was being a smidge judgy about a few things... but....  most of the time... I was just at the edge of my seat, looking for the best in everyone. I was even trying to find the best part of the one lazy female ensemble dancer. (Hey...it’s hard to change completely that fast!!!  COME ON!) um..... she looked good in hoochie shorts.  There... I said the positive.  During intermission, I was standing in a small group, and low and behold....  these people were letting some of the actors HAVE IT!  “horrible”  this...  “terrible” that....  “I can’t belive” ... blah blah blah.... Normally, I probably would have been very active in this conversation, but this time I just couldn’t take part.  I had to excuse myself from the group and go talk to the lovely young person who got me the tickets.  I would say, this is a step in the right direction.   I may not be able to choose my initial reaction, but I have the choice not to be a miserable prick. I am saying "NO" to prick. I am going to look for the best. I am not going to allow my insecurities to turn me into an arrogant asshole who uses every opportunity to trash talk my peers.  My peers who are probably going through the same trials and tribulations as I am in this business.  I am, however, going to choose to allow myself to be inspired by the hard work and success of others....the positives.....   The Best learn from the Best! I want to be the best!  And now, when I go see a show, I’m going to look for the best....   so don’t fuck up!  ooops... DAMN!   

Why can’t anything just be easy!?  

Now I just need to go see more shows and see if this is working!   Anyone want to buy me some tickets?  I'm unemployed!

My coffee just hit my bowels....   gotta go! 

Ven

Blue Moon.... You Saw Me Standing... a bit Flat.

I've decided to try a new place today.  It's called Starbucks.  Basically, if you haven't figured it out...  I go to the Bucks de Star quite a bit....a lot of times because I am early to EVERYTHING.... so it is a place where I can kill a few minutes (or an hour....that's how early I can sometimes be), get out of the heat, get out of the cold, get out of the way, and sometimes I jump in a Starbucks when I see someone I know and don't particularly enjoy in order to avoid an insincere exchange of meaningless pleasantries.  Basically....   if I see you on the street and we have a moment,  it is completely sincere....and you know this because I haven't jumped into a store to avoid you.  But that doesn't mean I have any idea what your name is.  JUST SAYIN'.

I'm killing time before heading to my second voice lesson since I've been back.  My last lesson was kind of a bust, but as usual, eye opening and amazing.  I work with a man named D. Michael Heath.  Now....  I know everyone is supposed to LOVE their voice teacher...and think they are the best, so I'm not going to harp on how...  well.... on how I love my voice teacher and think he is the best.  Right now, he is the best.... for me!

I've always loved singing.  It was one of the things I have loved to do since I was little.  I never expressed how much I truly enjoyed singing when I was growing up, but I think my parents and sister can vouch for the fact that the radio or CD player was always blasting and I was always belting it out in the shower.  I loved singing Broadway shows, pop, and country more than anything,  and my best friend in High School Jill (a.k.a. Jill Bill) and I would sing Miss Saigon at the top of our lungs in her Candy Apple Red convertible Nissan (I think) that kept falling apart every time we got into it.... AND IT WAS A NEW CAR!   Oh,  and just as a side note....  I still have nightmares of driving in the car with Jill....  thoughts of me screaming to her, "Jill... JILL... you're on the grass... YOU'RE ON THE GRASS!!!!"   (we were on a major street....where we weren't supposed to be anywhere near the grass)  Oh I loved my little bad-driver Jill.... She's probably mailing me some Anthrax right now after reading this.  Sorry....but not really.
Singing wasn't anything my family pushed me toward.  They basically pushed school and sports.   And at one point my Dad offered to get me piano lessons, but I declined...I mean.. I wanted to SING,  not tickle the Ivories!  But I never asked for voice lessons, not even knowing they had such a thing...so no hard feelings.  I had other things I was dealing with anyway, like my Big Red Mullet.
Flashback.... So there I was, 12 year old me and my family at Boardwalk and Baseball....an amusement park long since closed, when I saw it.  A cheap, amusement parky recording studio where you can sing to a horrible karaoke track and then.... MAKE A MUSIC VIDEO!   "Dad...DAD.... can we do that?"   My Dad, being a musical theatre, song and dance man himself was on board for an opportunity to showcase his booming bass/barritone and charming video personality.  We immediate name our duo  THE SCHMECHELS,  we were going to be FAMOUS!   I just knew it!  We recorded Blue Moon.... me signing lead, of course, and my dad doing all the backup and cool bee-bop-doop-de-doos and shit.  Then we taped the video.   Look out MTV.... here come The Schmechels!   We end the session....   we end the day...   then...  after the unveiling of our masterpiece for my dad's business partner, he turns to me, looking up at him all wide-eyed and ready for praise from my adoring fan and says what all aspiring singing stars want to hear.........."So.... you're apparently NOT going to be a singer!"  I WAS CRUSHED.  I am 33 and thoughts of this experience still cripple my confidence when I vibrate my vocal chords together to sing a diddy.  This was just the first of many times I have heard, weather blatantly to my face, or off the cuff,  references to me not being a singer.  The wounds can easily be opened still...   but...
FLASH FORWARD!  Summer,  2009.  I have just spent 1 year on the road in a little, hugely successful tour of Legally Blonde, and I tear the cartilage in my left knee.  BOOTS!   I'm out.  10 weeks healing from surgery.  An email address in hand from my closest friend and newest inspiration Natalie Joy Johnson for a voice teacher that changed her life.  My brain is spinning.... Natalie Joy Johnson... amazing singer,  gets this voice teacher from another amazing, singing Broadway sensation...this email address comes with a warning... DO NOT START WORKING WITH HIM UNLESS YOU'RE READY.  UNLESS YOU'RE READY TO WORK, BELIEVE, AND CHANGE YOUR LIFE... Well....  I'm ready!  I'm READY WORLD!!!!  I want to be able to finally sing!  To be a singer!  My newly hacked knee propped up on my couch, I email him.  To my surprise....  he emails me back...  he said he would love to work with me.  OH MY GOD!   I go....   and the transformation begins!  The next year of my life on the road with this new vocal information was incredible.  I was practicing every day.  Warming up before every show (Sorry guys....I tried to do it away from the dressing room as often as possible) Exploring new sounds, trying new placements....  JUST GROWING... and trying as hard as possible not to judge the sounds that I was making.    And just waiting 'til I was back in NYC and able to study more with this amazing teacher.

Now, I'm aware of how often I saw things "Change my Life."  And I know that when you make Everything important, then Nothing is important.  But in the past two years, I have has so many life changing experiences,  but meeting D. Michael Heath and study voice with him has been one of the biggest, most influential experiences in my life.  I am not saying that NOW, after studying with this man for....  20 lessons maybe, that I'm now a singing sensation.  But I am saying,  that because I have been working with this human divining rod, I have tools.   I have information, and awareness of my vocal instrument, an instrument I've had my whole life but am now just discovering how to play.  Each lesson, whether I come away with it without a face  (from SINGING MY FACE OFF!!!),  or a little disappointed cause I was not connected and present, I have grown as a master of my own fate.  He says there are "no wrong sounds."   He tells me , "It's just air.... just air passing over your chords."  He gives me confidence that if I work hard,  and practice.... I can be  (my last daily affirmation...) "a great singer who tells a story through song."

So,   all you miserable bastards (Glenn R. Haft excluded) who throughout my schooling and career have for some reason felt the need to express their negative opinions about my singing ability to my face can lick my balls!  Get em good and wet....    but now I have to dry them off because I have to get to my voice lesson.

To those of you who have been nothing but supportive and full of love.  Thank you.
 LOVE LOVE LOVE

To myself.   Fuck 'em... YOU CAN DO IT!


Ven

Frankie Says.....

Yeah, yeah....  Frankie said Relax.

Frankie can lick my nuggets.   If it was that easy...I'd be relaxing right now.  I mean,  the environment seems perfect....   I'm sitting on my super comfy couch, in my apartment (in which I live alone...no roommate to piss me off.... or piss on me...sorry, not into watersports!), I have a "two-years-on-tour-earned", flat screen TV blaring in front of my punim (just throwing in a bit of Yiddish), cable, internet, Nintendo Wii, fully stocked fridge, cabinet full of snacks, office full of books, and most importantly.....  Air Conditioner set at 64 degrees BLASTING at Turbo speed... YET....  I'm going crazy cause I have nothing to do... and I'm not relaxed at all.   There is still this feeling of...  it's not dread,  or stress right now... it's more of an unsettled feeling....  like I'm not doing something I should be doing.   Or like I'm not working hard enough.  I feel that way a lot, even when I have a job... but now that I am back to being an out-of-work, (i'd say starving, but I haven't been able to stop shoveling food down my gullet since I got home today) struggling, actor.

I don't  remember being this preoccupied with working hard growing up.  I was a good student, but I never had to study much.  School came pretty easily.  I played soccer since I was 4 years old through my senior year of high school. Go Paladins! (Scary huh,  "Hey, watch out... here come the South Plantation PALADINS!"... yeah right!)  I have memories of my dad getting mad at me cause I wasn't working hard at soccer practice. He might not remember them 'cause he's old....and bald.   I joke.... but he is old and bald. Anyway.... One of my coaches called me "the slowest fast guy" he's ever seen.  In practice,  I would just trod along,  last in the line....  bored out of my mind from having to run around the field... But during a game...  I'd find the speed.  Not the cocaine...  just a burst of energy.  But basically,  no interest in the practice, just wanted to play the game.   This behavior continued through college....  which wasn't a great attitude to have.  The last of the 4 colleges I went to was New World School of the Arts in Miami, FL whose undergraduate conservatory program basically required you to be at school from 8 am to 10pm or later 5 days a week... and sometimes on the weekend.  I looked at this as "practice"  and Hated It!  I would do the minimum amount of work, kind of bullshit my way through the assignments....  and then if I was in one of the productions or something... I would go full out.  I look back at those days.... and even the first few years in the business and realize 2 major things that were lacking.   Passion, and the concept of a Career.

About a year ago when visiting my mom's house in Plantation, I found an old homework assignment of mine from kindergarden.  One of the questions was What do you want to be when you grow up?"  If you were to have asked me how the 5 year old ME would have answered that before I read it,  I would have said...  a Baker,  a Cowboy, a Mer-MAN... you know.. .the norm.  (what?? was I the only one who wanted to be a Mer MAN? ... Bitches!)  5 year old me wrote, "Actor."  I was shocked.  If I truly wanted to be an actor from the time I was 5, where was my passion?   Where was the drive?  I sure wasn't begging my parents to take me to voice lessons or dance class.  So, looking back now,  I can completely understand how shocked, confused, and upset my parents seemed to be when I told them I wanted to be an actor.  To turn my nose up at the possibility of soccer scholarships, to get a Bachelors of Fine Arts.  I distinctly remember my father, in his charming, weight-fluctuating way (and by charming, I mean.... not so happy) saying, "You're gonna make me pay for school?"  Well DUH!?  I can't pay for it with the pesos I'm earning selling cassette singles at Sam Goody at the Broward Mall!  (I say pesos cause it was south florida.)  By the way,  if you ever go into a music store...  don't expect a 16 year old to be able to know what fucking song you're trying to find if you are TONE DEAF and the only word in the chorus you know is 'LOVE'...  They aren't going to be able to help you...  ya retard!   .....Now that that's out of the way....   I'm sure it must have looked like I was taking the easy way out, studying acting....   and hindsight being 20/20....  I probably was.   But something changed a few years ago. I began to appreciate... and then fall in love with...  the WORK... The craft of acting...  the process of developing a character,  interpreting text, scene study...   all of these things that I blew off in college.  All of a sudden I wanted to learn how to do what I have been doing professionally for years....  I fell in love with what I do for a living....   I found the Passion.  I love what I do.   Which I feel directly relates to the second thing that was lacking, thinking of jobs in terms of a Career!

When I left New World School of the Arts before graduating, all my teachers, and most of the students told me I would never make it.  I would never work because I'm not ready, or I'm not talented enough.  I can't act, I can't sing.... I don't have enough ballet technique.  So, after booking my first job....  from my first audition in NYC, I called them up to rub it in their faces.   Then through a few of my friends still in the program there I heard the mumblings..."this will be the only thing he does,"  "He just got lucky..."   You know... good supportive things!   Anyway,  I kept booking shit.   But that is what it was for me.  Just getting another thing. No direction.  They weren't connected.  I was looking at these jobs as Sam Goody's....   or waiting tables, not as a career.  Then I booked my first Broadway show.... and it changed!  Something in my brain switched.... and I realized that if I want to do what I love for as long as possible, I am going to have to make this my Career,  and make myself the Product of my business.  The business of ME!  The only thing I have to sell is Me.  Everything I do now is about improving the 'product' (ME for those of you wearing helmets and riding the short but) and moving it up the entertainment industry ladder.  It is this, that ultimately keeps me up at night, getting mad at myself because I have not signed up for any acting classes in the 13 days I've been unemployed.  It is this that keeps me from being able to chill the fuck out and just watch crazy people on TLC keep everything they've ever owned in their tiny one-bedroom apartments with 15 cats and 10 birds shitting everywhere... (HOARDERS!!!  LOVE IT!)

Being invested in my career and having a passion for what I do has made some of my small successes so much sweeter.  But it is also making the downtime so much more challenging than I want it to be.... Add that to my receding hairline and my increasing distance from my early 20's....  and you have ...  well....  a 30-something, balding, stress ball of an actor trying to move up in the business and get a new gig.  But sometimes, all I really want to do is just give myself permission to listen to Frankie and  RELAX.

I should just breathe...  take it day by day.  Celebrate my victories  (I got a new agent!!!   I'll write about it soon.)  Stop being so hard on myself (this is difficult for me.) It will all work out...  cause I believe it will... and so does my Dad! (Who I pick on a lot in this blog... we have that type of banter....  but he's the only person who I truly believe when he tells me "My boy,  you can do anything you set your mind to." ...because I'm his son,  and I learned from him.

So,  tomorrow (actually...   now that it is like 2 am... TODAY) I might just do nothing business related.  Might just go to the gym....  a movie....  have a drink with some friends....















...and just RELAX.

Or not.

DAMN!

"Look out for #1.....  But don't Step in #2."

Ven

Slow and steady..... does it really win the race?

Day 8 of being unemployed....   and slowly I am getting back into the swing of things.  But does Slow and Steady really win the race?  If I just sit back and take my time getting into the audition pool will something just fall in my lap?  Maybe..... it happens....  but will it happen to me?  Probably not.  BASTARDS!  I would love to be at the point in my career... or rather.... at a level in my field that jobs just get thrown to me.... like leftovers at a homeless man.  (I tend to throw my charity....it reminds the recipients "No pain no Gain"....  I'm thoughtful like that.)  But seriously,  I like throwing food at homeless people.   Anyway,  there was a time in my career where certain regional jobs were just kind of handed to me.   A lot of them were productions of the show Swing! which is an amazing show...and I loved doing it!  Without auditioning, I was offered a part in productions of Swing! at the following theaters:  1. Gateway Playhouse (which later cast me without auditioning in On the Town),  2. Downtown Cabaret Theatre (where people brought there own food to the theatre....and after intermission we would have to jump over empty orange juice containers and pizza boxes left on the stage... REALLY?  Raised in a barn much?...not that I have anything again people raised in barns... I love barns....   and Noble.)  3. Marriott Lincolnshire Resort (which later gave me a part in their production of The All Night Strut...which was just a strange version of Swing!.... and during one number I painted my face so inappropriately that I though for sure I was going to be fired... but alas, I was not.... but now that I think about it... I haven't been offered anything there since..i don't know how many years....  hmmmm.) Here's an example of what I put on my face..... I was only on stage for 30 seconds though...not that it makes it any more appropriate!    4. La Mirada Playhouse (Cathy Rigby's theater...  hmmm.. haven't worked there again either...   oh shit...   I'm hated everywhere!)   I turned Swing! down at the Carousel Dinner Theater in Akron.... but that was because I'm a hypochondriac, and thought I was dying of some unknown disease,  and felt it would be rude to accept the job... and die in the middle of rehearsals. (You think I'm kidding... but I am not!)  Was there anywhere else I did that show???? Can't remember... DAMN YOU MARY JANE!  (Self Medicated for years)   I was offered ensemble work at the Theatre Under the Stars' (a.k.a. TUTS) productions of ....oh shit... let me wander through my burnt out memory....   there they are... Singin' in the Rain, 110 in the Shade, and A Wonderful Life.  These were some great theaters to work for, and I feel blessed to have had the opportunity to work at these amazing theaters around the country...    but no my sights are bigger! I would love to work at these theaters again, but I don't want to be an ensemble dancer. Bottom line.    That was never my intention.  I don't love it the way you have to love it to do it 8 times a week.  I LOVE performing... so when I was in these shows... I was having a great time, but looking ahead to something else.  I want to do roles!  Point of Information:  I recently played Orin Scrivello, DDS in Little Shop of Horrors at TUTS..... so that is a start....  (THANK YOU ROY HAMLIN!)  But that was one!  I WANT MORE!!!   I'm INSATIABLE!  Does sitting at home and taking my time help me get these role?   Or do I GET TO WORK!?   I'm not good at just doing nothing.... or at least not feeling guilty about doing nothing.  Last week I sure did a lot of nothing...but wasn't doing it alone...I have my friend...   his name is STRESS!  

So,  this week...   the beginning of my 2nd week out of work,  I've already bumped up a gear.  I had a pianist put down on tape (which really isn't a tape... I just say that cause I'm old school people... OLD SCHOOL!) the melody and accompaniment of some songs I want to work on... IN CASE  I get an audition for these roles.  I figure... if I do wind up getting an audition, I want to be prepared! I'd rather not be scrambling to learn new music a day or two before I have to sing it.  
My list:
"Dead of Alive" from Rock of Ages (I want to play Stacey Jaxx)
"I'm Not That Smart" from 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee (Leaf Coneybear would be an amazing role to take a bite out of!)
"Dancing Through Life" and "As Long as Your Mine" from Wicked....  (That shit is kind of high for my voice... but that is why I NEED TO WORK ON IT!)
AND  I am going to learn some stuff from Company, cause Bobby is one of my dream roles of all time.   Hear that Universe?  I WANT TO PLAY BOBBY IN COMPANY!

Also....I have made an appointment to audition to become a member of One on One studios so if....strike that... WHEN accepted, I can sign up for classes there.   Normally I would stick my nose up at a place I would have to audition for and then PAY to take class,  but I am READY TO WORK!    I am ready to put myself out there.... I'm moving people....  getting the artistic juices flowing... or maybe that's Syphillis....  either way.. I'M JUICY!

So basically... even if Slow and Steady wins some races....this ain't the Special Olympics!   I don't like slow and steady when it comes to being unemployed.  An I don't believe Slow and Steady applies in this field!  If anything is slow is steady... it will be my sex life! (Sometimes fast and rough is okay.... but it depends on your partner... you should really talk about it first... communication is key... and have a safety word... Like Banana...  or Creme Brulee...mmmm.... I love Creme Brulee.)     I'll be damned if I let my insecurities and fears keep me from working.  I didn't move away from my family just to live in New York City.  I moved for my career. Anything less than Full Out is unacceptable....   I stop for nothing! (except a job, feckin' duh!) Out of my way crazy homeless people....  I got no job to get to but I gotta get there FAST!

Have a lovely evening....  I'm going to watch Wipeout and laugh at other people falling and hurting themselves.

Ven

Oh... here's another picture of my inappropriate make-up.  It's a steaming pile of poo.

I Have a Giant One..

Yes.... I said it. I have a giant one. I great, big, giant, full one. It's called.... A "To Do List."

I have a giant To Do list.... yet still find myself feeling like I have nothing to do. Why is that? What is wrong with me that I could spend so much time writing down everything that I feel needs to get done in my life... but when it comes around to actually doing it.... I can't get started? If my To Do list looked like the following.... I would have been able to check everything off, and would probably have to schedule time to Stop doing my To Do List: Actually... I should call this my "Already Doing List":

Masturbate

Go to Starbucks

Masturbate again

Drink more coffee

Eat

Eat some more

Watch a smidge of Television.

Look up irrelevant bullshit online.

Masturbate

Google Myself. (I call this a "vanity search'")

Check Facebook.

Order another Iced Venti unsweetened Iced Coffee.

So... basically... I complain and complain that I am not accomplishing anything.... yet the only things I seem to be able to do is play with my pecker and drink coffee.

Here's my real "To Do List":

-Find 2 monologues to audition for One on One Studios with.

-Work on audition songs.

-Find a great On Camera acting class

-Gym (I DO THIS ONE EVERY DAY!!!!!..... Check!)

-Call Sprint and have those bitches send me something that will allow me to use my cell phone in my apartment.... because just my luck... My apartment is the only place in New York fuckin' City that my phone doesn't get service. Really Sprint? REALLY?

-Work on the script for my Musical..... Which is fucking hysterical.... but I can't seem to buckle down and continue writing it. Yet ironically... I am blogging about how I am not writing.

-Make a music video.. Random right? Don't judge.

-Find my original To Do list!

And Finally (though I am sure I have missed a few.... )

-GET A FUCKING JOB!!!!!!!!!!!

Each night since I have gotten home... I have been stressed out that I am not accomplishing my goals... I haven't been working hard enough... I haven't been doing enough to move forward and improve my skills... BLAH BLAH fucking BLAH... What is it going to take to light a fire under my ass.... one that is not a type of rash... and get started? What is it that is holding me back? Am I afraid? If so, what the fuck am I afraid of? It can't be any worse... I'm already unemployed! Am I afraid of Rejection? Then I'm in the wrong business!!! Am I afraid of Failure? What a pussy! Am I afraid of Success? Then what's the point? I'm sure as hell not afraid of spending a lot of time whipping out my kibbles and bits and wasting a bunch of possible offspring!

Am I overwhelming myself with shit? Should I edit my list to just one thing?? OR!!!! This is the beauty of streaming consciousness... some stuff just comes to you... Maybe I can make my list smaller and just put a daily list together... I bet it would be easier for me to accomplish just one of my goals per day.... instead of trying to finish all of them...and getting NONE done. I'm A FUCKING GENIUS people... Do you hear me???? A GENIUS! So.... the first thing To Do:

-Write a new To Do List!

oh-kaaaay. Which one to pick?

THIS SUCKS!

I'm gonna go "Two-pump and a dump" it and get some coffee.

"To Do Lists" can SUCK MY BALLS!

Ven

Unemployment Has Hit My Stomach!

So.... here I sit... unemployed.... and STRESSED THE FUCK OUT! It makes me have to poo. Anytime I am out of work, I tend to get stressed, but today... WOAH! I am going through it. I am going through it so much... that I BROKE UP WITH SOMEONE I WASN'T EVEN DATING! Seriously... I had the "friend" talk.... with a FRIEND! I've lost my mind.

I was walking around the city today after pumping the iron at Gold's Gym on 54th street, talking to myself like a crazy whack-a-do! I'd catch myself every now and then.... look around to see if anyone caught me... WHICH THEY ALWAYS DO.... then keep walking.... keeping my lips still.... as if the person who caught me is now going to think that they IMAGINED what they saw... It isn't like they pointed their little finger at me whilst guffawing... they just happen to notice a total stranger in the middle of a deep conversation with themselves....i want to believe everybody does it... but that doesn't matter... Next thing I know, 5 blocks of me walking and telling that person to... "Mind your own business! Can't you see I'm going through it over here you nosey piece of cow feces? What??? Haven't you ever seen someone talking to themselves before you dirty scum sucker? HUH??? HUH!!!!!!?????" (ALL IN MY MIND...of course) One time after I yelled at someone today (without them knowing that I just verbally assaulted them with hurtful, derogatory jabs) I looked up and saw this homeless guy sitting, ever so quietly, just trying to make it through another day. I had flashes of what his life must be like....the daily grind of figuring out where he was going to sleep, what/if he was going to eat....if today would be the day he would be able to brush his one tooth. I heard my inner voice, trying to put things into perspective, proceeded to reach out with compassion, "OUTTA THE WAY YOU HOMELESS SCHMUCK! Don't you know I'm unemployed? Have you any idea how hard my life is.... I'm out of work and about to use my $90 dollar, unlimited metro card to get on the subway and go to my apartment that I live in by myself with my new flat screen tv, cable, and Air Conditioning! EVER HEARD OF A SHOWER??? Well I got one! OUT OF MY WAY! and you better not ask me for money! I'M UNEMPLOYED! HOW RUDE! Have you no pity for someone in my situation!?" All this being said on the inside as I dig into my pocket and flip some loose change into his Starbucks cup. (Even homeless people love that place... Starbucks just figured it out huh?) I cannot always choose my thoughts.... but usually I can choose my actions!

I guess it is really hitting me that... I'm once again a struggling, unemployed actor. It has been two years since I've been out of work....with nothing in the works. The last few times I was home, it was either on a medical leave, or a layoff. Those times I knew I was going to be returning to a weekly paycheck. Now, I am beginning to realize that in a way.... having a job, in a strange way, is a bit of a vacation for me. A vacation from certain stress and anxiety. I love knowing that I have a show to do in the evening. I love knowing that my direct deposit will be in my account Friday morning. I enjoy going through my day, knowing that I have to be at the theatre at least 30 minutes before curtain...and that I will be able to talk to (or ignore) a bunch of talented people who go through the same ups and downs as I do in this business. I am limbo right now. I need a schedule. I need to be working on something! Not just the gym! I don't want to work out so much that I look like one of those giant guys who probably haven't wiped their own asses in years! I don't own a bidet people!

Tmw.... look up classes, schedule some voice lessons... and get my shit out of this funk!

But... why can't I just take a break? Why can't I just relax and enjoy this time off for a bit? Maybe I need to add.... "See a Shrink" to my list of shit to do? I better look up if my insurance covers Psychologists! I just realized... this blog... is basically an online version of me walking down the street and TALKING TO MYSELF! HA HA HA HA HA HA But maybe some people are reading this.... thinking I'm insane.... but reading it none the less! SUCKERS!

Alright.... I got nothing else.

Be kind to each other... even if you are telling them off in your mind! Except don't be kind to killers and rapists.... they are bad.

And don't judge me too hard if you see me walking down the street having a full out conversation with... ME!

Love and toothless grins!

Ven